Mormon jokes

by Casey Flynn

1. Why was the Mormon man upset about his marriage-counseling bill?
He didn't get a group rate.

2. What do you call a Mormon man with only one wife?
A minimalist.

3. What is the secret for a happy fulfilled polygamist marriage? Name tags.

4. A.P. Salt Lake City - Utah State troopers found the body of Steve Douglas - an associate professor at Brigham Young University, who was working on a historical biography of Joseph Smith, called: 'Was the book of Mormon plagiarized?' He was garroted with a piano string, stripped naked, arms tied behind his back, and above his bed was written in his own blood the message: 'Unpaid Gambling Debts.'

The lead investigator, Steve Francis, informed the press that an all out investigation of this heinous crime was underway. Apparently, the perpetrators of this crime removed original Mormon documents, dated around the 1830's from his office. More disturbingly, the complete works of Donnie and Marie Osmond were taken from his music collection without a trace of fingerprints.

The police found skid marks on his driveway from 12-speed, Huffy bikes. Witnesses to the scene reported that around two in the morning young men, wearing white-collared oxford shirts, stopped by the house briefly, and while they were there, they mowed the front lawn and weeded the gardens. Past that, the witnesses reported nothing suspicious.

Officer Francis said at this time that they believe that there might be some connection to mobsters in the world of gambling, and Professor Douglas was known to participate in a weekly poker game was some other professors at the University.

5. Reuters News Service, compiled from sources - the Mormon community and the entire state of Utah is in shocked today with a revelation that the Mormon Tabernacle Choir was caught lip sync-ing on their latest tour. While performing in Branson, Missouri at the Yakov Smirnov theater - just done the road from the McDonald's with the outdoor swimming pool, the Mormon Tabernacle Choir was doing a rousing rendition of "She'll becoming around the Mountain when she comes," when the audio malfunctioned, and the refrain began to repeat.

It wasn't until the next song - a haunting interpretation of Neal Diamond's "Forever in Blue Jeans" that it was apparent to the audience that the Mormon Tabernacle choir was in fact lip sinc-ing.

Just before Newsweek was about to break the story in which sources close to the group reveal that the Mormon Tabernacle Choir did not sing on their latest album, a group of polite young men, wearing white-collared oxford shirts, stopped by the Newsweek office and attempted to silence the story. Unfortunately at this point, Matt Drudge had already broken the story on the Internet. Nevertheless, the young men stayed around to steam clean the carpets of Newsweek's office.

Matt Drudge reported that the Mormon Tabernacle choir was selected from a group of professional actor and actresses, who had previously worked on Mormon promotional commercials. They could not sing, but instead we're chosen for their good looks and bright, white, Donnie-Osmond-like smiles.

For instance, Victoria Montgomery was supposedly the new solo star for the choir. It turns out that her real name is Lolita Kasinosky - the type of girl who marks the some-college-box when she fills out a job resume. She made a name for herself as the pouty-lipped, ambled-breasted actress, who wore that conservative, form-fitting skirt in that commercial in which she leans slightly older, to reveal her colt-like legs, then turns to the camera, and says expectantly, "I found the answers here - in the Book of Mormon."

The Mormon hip-hop scene

By Casey Flynn and Dave Wegner

A sampling of popular Mormon pick-up lines.

- Hey my name is Steve, how would you like to be my two-year mission?

- How $bout we go back to my place and not have sex until we$re married and then only for purposes of procreation.

- You know, I used to not party with Brigham Young.

- My name is Dave, you know - I own my own bike . . . company.

- Do you have any Mormon in you? No. Would you like . .. some uhm . . . I$m sorry I can$t date a non-Mormon.

- Hey, I got two backstage passes for the Mormon Tabernacle Choir, I hear that it gets pretty crazy backstage, yeah - they practice group abstinence.

Salt Lake City www.jokezine.com correspondent - the Mormon hip-hop scene is abuzz with the musical stylings of the hard-core rap group, $Bring uhm Young$ - and their debut album, $She puts the $ho$ back in wholesome.$ M.C. Orrin - the front man for the group - said the album$s sound is a fusion of old school rap, Negro spirituals, speed metal, with samplings from Yanni.

$Mainly it$s about keeping it real,$ M.C. Orrin explained, $Talking about growing up as a Mormon during the hard times of the Bush recession of the early $90s when many Mormons had to work retail.$ Indeed, the opening track hits right to the core of what it means to be a follower of Joseph Smith.

$Sitting on my banana seat

cruising in old Salt Lake

slamming down $40s of caffeine free diet Pepsi

With my church youth outreach group,

MC Orrin, Funk Daddy Wendell, and DJ Jazzy Ezekiel, who$s not here right now because he$s on his two-year mission to French Guyana . . .

Bitch-slappin$ Mormon-style

Bitch-slappin$ Mormon style . . .$

Of course, a later track on the album does not have the sophisticated irony and sense of detachment that so marks the dactyl hexameter rhythmic scheme, but is instead a more wistful look at the traditional large Mormon family that, according to MC Orrin - the seventh child of wife No. 3 - $Is no longer possible in a world where the family structure is crumbling and of course after the Supreme Court$s decision in Reynolds v.Potter, outlawing the Mormon historical practice of polygamist marriage. Indeed, his lyrical structure is clearly nostalgic.

$Went up to Zion

To sit with God

And get my high on

I don$t drink Coke

And cannot smoke,

I say $no$ to grass

And can$t say, ass.

Papas gonna knock you up

Papas gonna knock you up . . .$

In the mid-$90s, MC Orrin - like many other Mormons - got involved in pyramid scheme businesses, usually involving Amway products. In his business model rap, M.C. Orrin explains it like this:

$Six in the evening, neighbors at my door

Fresh penny loafers slide across my bombshell floor

They come to my crib ready to buy

All central Utah knows that I$m their guy

Cases of soap, Bring uhmYoung concert T-shirts, no way! All my friends at Temple know me as the Joe Smith of Amway . . .

I

Tell five

Friends they tell

five friends they tell five friends

they tell five friends they tell five friends

they tell five friends they tell five friends and

they tell five friends . . . I sit back and collect the money for my kids, yeah that$s right because I run the pyramid . . .

I did it all for the commission, for the commission . . . so you can stick it up your . . . . so you can stick it up your . . .

n't objecting, only to find him studying the Chinese menu.