HEADLINES:

Civil War in Iraq?: George Bush said that he would not concede that there was a Civil War in Iraq until the Iraqis attack Fort Sumter; of course the way things are going over there -- that's not outside of the realm of possibilities.

Owen Wilson: 'No. 47? No. 47?, No. 48, oh Kate, Kate Hudson, sure.' Owen Wilson apparently has had an affair with Kate Hudson, whose married to Chris Robinson of the Black Crowes. It's official Owen Wilson and Luke Wilson have slept with every woman in Hollywood.

High gasoline prices:

Both countries and individuals in the Middle East are making so much money from the sharp increase of oil prices that when they are looking to buy nuclear weapons, they have so much extra money to spend that they are requesting that the nuclear weapons be gold plated. (deras).

Gas is getting so expensive that individuals who are driving getaway vehicles during bank robberies are not leaving their engines on during the actual bank robbery.

I was leaving a restaurant and I was a few feet from my car and I pulled out my key when someone put their gun to my head. 'Give me your car keys or I will kill you!' In total shock, I handed him my car keys. He quickly took the keys and attempted to open the door, but without success. 'What's wrong!' he demanded. 'That's not my car; it's the one next to it - the SUV.' He took one look at the SUV and returned the keys to me, saying, 'No offense - gas prices are just crazy.'

Israel promised Bush that it will protect Americans evacuating Lebanon (by not dropping that many bombs on them)

Bush asked Israel to exercise restraint in Lebanon (as the U.S. has done by only invading two countries)

Hezbollah bought 10,000 more rockets from Katushka-Rockets-R-Us, LLC: Hezbollah bought 10,000 more rockets from Katushka-Rockets-R-Us, LLC headquartered in Islamabad, and incorporated in the Cayman Islands, partly owned by numerous American investment groups. They used the expedited shipping method, so it should get there in 3-5 days. How will they get beyond Israel's blockade? If they can find someone to sign for it, it should not be a problem.

The Exotic Dancer Anti-Defamation League responds to allegations from Duke Lacrosse defense team: According to court papers filed Thursday, the exotic dancer who has accused three Duke lacrosse players of gang-raping her was drinking while taking medication that night, and had sex with at least four men and a sexual device in the days immediately leading up to the off-campus party.
Lace, president of the Exotic Dancer Anti-Defamation League, said to the press that these allegations of so few sexual counters for an exotic dancer essentially demonstrates that she was celibate and provides further evidence to corroborate her story that she had been raped by the Duke lacrosse players.

Karl Rove Dodges Indictment in CIA Leak Case -- Karl Rove's ham sandwich not so lucky: Former Chief Judge Sol Wachtler of the New York State Court of Appeals famously said, 'a district attorney can indict a ham sandwich.' Mindful of this, Karl Rove at his last grand jury session, when asked who within the Bush administration told him about Valerie Flame's cover, pulled out a ham sandwich. Because of this brilliantly played misdirection work by Karl Rove, Patrick Fitzgerald will indict Karl Rove's ham sandwich, and not Karl Rove. The strategy by Karl Rove was doubly clever because, based on his portly appearance, the grand jury would not have been surprised that Karl Rove would be carrying around a ham sandwich to snack on. Of course Vice President Cheney still may not be off the hook. Not surprisingly, Vice President Cheney has ties to Karl Rove's ham sandwich and his fingerprints might be all over that sandwich.

Gay Hollywood votes split between 'Brokeback Mountain' and 'Capote' -- 'Crash' wins Oscar: 'Crash' pulled off one of the biggest upsets in Academy Awards history, winning best picture Sunday over the front-runner 'Brokeback Mountain.' Michael Musto stated that 'Crash' was able to win because of the split in the gay Hollywood vote between 'Brokeback Mountain' and 'Capote.'

HAMAS' SUICIDE BOMBER PREPARATORY SCHOOL LOSES ACCREDITATION: The loss of accreditation came as a result of low test scores and dropout and graduation rates. The graduates were so poor that they were performing suicide bomb attacks in a movie theater that was showing: 'Deuce Bigalow European Gigolo' at a non rush-hour time. Not only was there no one in the theater, no matter how big the suicide bomber made the bomb it would be a dud compared to what was happening on the big screen.

NEW ACTOR SHOWN BELOW HOPES TO IMPROVE THE SAGGING RATINGS FOR LAW & ORDER: SPECIAL VICTIMS UNIT

BREAKING NEWS: While shopping at Wal-Mart, I actually found a Wal-Mart employee to ask which aisle a product was in.

BREAKING NEWS: While shopping at Wal-Mart, I actually found a Wal-Mart employee, who actually knew which aisle the product I was looking for was in.

BREAKING NEWS: While shopping at Wal-Mart, I walked to the other side of the Wal-Mart store and found -- the product that I had been given directions for by the Wal-Mart employee -- was actually not in this aisle.

BUSH OUTLINES CLEAR STRATEGY FOR WINNING IN IRAQ: On December 1, President George W. Bush made a speech at the Naval Academy to the Evangelical Christian Wing of the College Republican Midshipmen Organization where he presented a clear strategy for winning the war in Iraq. President Bush clarified that he uses the term 'winning' in the sense that Great Britain has used the term 'winning' in regards to its war in Northern Ireland.

IRAN BAN'S WESTERN MUSIC: Hard-line President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has banned Western music from Iran's radio and TV stations, chiefly tunes by saxophonist Kenny G. Already Americans are flocking to emigrate to the first Kenny-G.-Music Free State. An Iranian dissident has made this comment: 'Whoever thought that listening to Kenny G. while in your Dodge Stratus would be considered a courageous act of rebellion?'

THE BUSH ADMINISTRATION'S DOMESTIC SPYING PROGRAM: The Bush administration is defending its warrantless searches in its domestic spying program. Already it claims that the searches have stopped numerous terrorist attacks on the United States. When asked which terrorist attacks it stopped, the Bush administration replied that it was top secret information and that you were really undermining American National Security by even asking that question and that sometimes 'numerous' can refer to one attack with several parts to it. When asked but weren't you claiming that the reason we were not having terrorist attacks here was because we were fighting terrorists in Iraq, rather than in America, the Bush administration replied that the answer to that question was top secret information and that you were really undermining American National Security by even asking that question and then the words 9/11 and 'Saddam Hussein' were used in the same sentence. Attorneys for the Bush administration also added that there were no Fourth Amendment violations (the Fourth Amendment prohibits unreasonable searches and seizures) because the Fourth Amendment did not apply to its domestic spying program. When asked why the Fourth Amendment did not apply to its domestic spying program, they replied that they heard that fact first from a journalist that the Fourth Amendment did not apply to its domestic spying program, and that they did not leak the classified information that the Fourth Amendment did not apply to its domestic spying program, and that George W. Bush is one of the fittest presidents ever of the United States and that he exercises 15 times a week.

DICK CHENEY'S STOCKHOLDINGS: Dick Cheney owns stock in a company that provides technical assistance and investment for Iran's nuclear reactors. When asked whether he would sell the stock, Dick Cheney pointed out that the stock was held in a blind trust that he has no control over.

Alabama Gov. demands reparations: Alabama Gov. Bob Riley demands ten attractive 18-year-old Aruban girls or fifteen semi-attractive 18-year-old Aruban girls in reparations for Natalee Holloway or he will call for a nationwide travel boycott of Aruba.

Scooter Libby indicted: "Scooter" Libby -- after learning about the Five Count Indictment that was a result of Special Counsel Patrick Fitzgerald's investigation -- made the following statement to the press, while wagging his finger: 'I did not have sexual relations with that woman, Miss Judith Miller.' Special Counsel Patrick Fitzgerald's original referral was to investigate whether the old adage was still true: 'The cover-up is worse than the crime.'
Lewis "Scooter" Libby and Karl Rove revealed in their secret grand jury testimony that they had learned that Valerie Plame was a CIA undercover agent from a bumper sticker on the back of Joseph Wilson's convertible, which read, 'Proud Spouse of CIA undercover Agent Valerie Plame.'
Special prosecutor, Patrick Fitzgerald, cross-examined both "Scooter" Libby and Karl Rove with the fact that the bumper sticker had been stamped classified and tried to establish whether either of the two men was aware of this.
Special prosecutor, Patrick Fitzgerald, is expected to indict Judith Miller for being flighty.

Harriet Miers pulls out: Many leading feminists have publicly stated that Harriet Miers' treatment can be considered 'sexist' and that she has been treated unfairly because of her gender -- whatever that might be. The mediocrity society has also taken the position that one of their members has been treated unfairly. Miers earned high marks in that society by making such statements as Bush was the most brilliant man she had ever met. Harry Miers will return to her former job: sidekick to Ellen.

2000 American soldiers have died in Iraq: Conservatives are upset that the liberal media is making a big deal that 2000 Americans have died in Iraq as they believe this is an artificial number; of course the conservatives are absolutely correct - this is an artificial number; the number is actually 2014 as of the date of this posting.

Exxon Mobil posted record profits:
Exxon Mobil Corp. posted a quarterly profit of nearly $10 billion.
During this same time period, car drivers spent over $10 billion more in gas than they did in comparison to last year.
Officials within Exxon offered this reason for higher gas prices: hurricanes ... uhm ... lack of refining capacity ... uhm ... the dog ate my homework ... uhm ... she looked 18 .... uhm ...

Headlines:

Ebay is featuring great deals on plasma televisions from New Orleans

Michael Brown's tenure as a commissioner for the International Arabian Horse Association left that organization in such bad shape that it's now called, 'The International Glue Association.'

President Bush Takes Responsibility: President Bush said that 'I take responsibility' for failures in dealing with Hurricane Katrina. He further added that he takes responsibility for not moving quickly enough - after the Louisiana Governor Blanco refused helped from the federal government, the Red Cross, and the Salvation Army - in helping the people of New Orleans.

Fox News Investigates: Fox News has done an investigative story demonstrating that FEMA and the federal government are not to blame for the disaster in the wake of hurricane Katrina, but the state and local government of Louisiana is largely to blame. Fox News explained that what people do not understand is that FEMA is just comprised of a director - then Michael Brown - and a skeleton staff of mainly undocumented Mexican workers, and it works through state and local governments to provide relief. The Fox News investigation concluded that Governor Kathleen Blanco and New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin made most of the critical mistakes in response to hurricane Katrina. According to Fox News, it appears that the only thing that Governor Kathleen Blanco did -- in between crying a lot - was actively prevent charitable and federal aid from getting to the people of New Orleans at the Superdome and the convention center. Fox News also uncovered a photo of Mayor Ray Nagin 'looting' a bottle of water from a quick shop. In contrast, during the disaster of Katrina, George Bush was working tirelessly, training for the upcoming Iron Man triathlon in Colorado.