The Charade is Over
by Casey Flynn

After 11 years of marriage, Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman – an Australian convict - said Monday that they were separating because their work was keeping them apart. Pat Kingsley, a spokeswoman for the actors, said the decision was made regretfully. Although the news came as a surprise, the tabloids as well as thought-provoking mainstream media like jokezine.com have been claiming for years that the marriage was on the rocks.

'It wasn't just the work, but the distance and the pressures of Hollywood,' Tom Cruise said in a phone interview, while at a party at Ricky Martin's house. Offering a slightly different story, Nicole Kidman told an AP reporter in a phone interview from Anne Heche's house that it wasn't just the work and the distance, but the pressures of Hollywood.

People magazine in an exclusive cover story went into greater depth on why the couple's marriage ended. According to People - a magazine that 80 percent of its subscribers are dentists - it turns out that it really wasn't the pressures of Hollywood and not even the work, but the distance.

'CITING THE DIFFICULTIES inherent in divergent careers, which constantly keep them apart, they concluded that an amicable separation seems best for both of them at this time,' Kingsley said. The couple have two adopted children, Connor, 6, and Isabella, 8. Kingsley's stressed that the two children would be returned to the Romanian orphanage clearinghouse, where they would be pawed over by people like Rosie O'Donnell, and that it was doubtful that the couple would be able to get their deposit back.

Nevertheless, Kingsley denied that both Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman were disappointed about how their children were turning out. During the adoption process, the couple was promised that they were not adopting gypsy children. Yet in the last year, Conner was arrested three times for stealing bikes, while Isabella was taking away milk money from other kids by running a highly-dubious palm-reading scam. Both Conner and Isabel - before being returned to post-Ceausecu Romania - went to the prestigious Harper New School, whose students mostly tend to be children of Hollywood stars as well as adopted white children of vague Eastern European origin.

Many have speculated that the reason for the divorce is that Tom Cruise is gay. In fact, in the gay community, February 5 - the day the separation was announced, has already been deemed 'Tom Cruise Day' - the day he freed up. But both have denied the rumor. Three years ago, Tom Cruise won a six digit settlement with an English tabloid over the acquisition that he was gay. He took the money and used it to refurbish antique furniture from the Gilded Era, used in Newport mansions.

According to celebrity divorce experts, the divorce could be messy especially with the Church of Scientology involved. The Church of Scientology is taking this very hard because Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman are really the first couple of the church. The Church of Scientology central theology teaches that we are possessed by aliens and that running late-night infomercials on basic cable - alongside hair transplant promotions and adverts for exercise machines that are unfathomable to assemble - is a great evangelical tool for church growth. If in fact one or both leaves the church, they may lose a lot of money and may not be in a position to make 'Battlefield Earth II'.

Already the battle for marital assets has begun. Nicole Kidman wants to 200 million of the reported 450 million, while Tom Cruise wants the remainder, plus L. Ron Hubbard's fingernails, and the his and her e-meters. The e-meter is the tool in the church of Scientology that determines the level of someone's intellectual and spiritual progression. For instance, John Travolta and Kirstie Alley have achieved genius level in that they have paid perhaps millions of dollars to have a test conducted on them in which needles move and bulbs brighten, and in the end, a guy in a ceremonial white jacket looks at the scribbled lines, and declares: “The is the highest level yet!” He then goes on to guess your height and weight.

As a distraction, Tom Cruise is going to work on 'Mission Impossible III: Getting your CDs back from your Ex.'