Hollywood Headlines:

Phantom of the Opera: Warning to all people thinking that this was to be the long awaited sequel to: 'Phantom of the Mall' (1989); it is not, do not be fooled. There is no guy in a broken hockey mask, hacking people up because they want to build a shopping mall over his house (which would have dramatically increased the properties value?), but instead singing with people with French sounding names, but they all speak with perfect American accents unless they are pronouncing their respective French sounding names, e.g. Viscount Raoul de Chagny. This is some cheap imitation trying to take advantage of the fabulous success that 'Phantom of the Mall' had.

O.J. Simpson on the Scott Peterson verdict: O.J. Simpson on the Scott Peterson verdict: "Proof that the system works." Regarding Scott Peterson's alibi that he was allegedly fishing while Lacy was murdered and Lacy Peterson's body would later come to shore at that location where he claimed to be fishing, O.J. Simpson remarked, "Not a good alibi." Asked what success O.J. Simpson has had in finding the murderer of Nicole, O.J. Simpson remarked, "We are working on solid leads that the Satanic Cult that was involved in the Lacy Peterson murder, might also have some connection to Nicole's murder" (as this Satanic Cult is very fond of wearing Bruno Magli shoes?)

Battlefield Earth: A new science-fiction movie starring John Travolta, and based on a science-fiction novel by L. Ron Hubbard, the founder of Scientology, premiered at the Scientology headquarters in Los Angeles. Tom Cruise, Nicole Kidman, John Travolta, Lisa Marie Presley, and Kirstie Alley showed up at the gala premier, entirely nude, and shadowed closely by secret German agents. During the movie, the heat in the theater was turned up, creating a sauna-like effect, so people could sweat out their impurities. After the movie, the viewers were asked what they thought, while they were hooked up to biofeedback meters and other such lie detector tests, which they were then billed for at a cost of $10,000. Apparently the movie is filled with subliminal messages about the Scientology religion. Subliminal message No. 1: L. Ron Hubbard is a horrible science-fiction writer.

Madeline Albright goes to Hollywood: As the Clinton administration enters its final days, key players are already making plans for their life after the White House. Though it has been rumored that Bill Clinton might go to work for DreamWorks, someone else in the Clinton administration has already signed a deal to work in Hollywood. Joel Schumacher tells the Hollywood Reporter that Madeline Albright has signed on to play the penquin in the next Batman. Joel Schumacher, who directed the last two back Batmans, said that casting her was a no-brainer, and that they would save a lot on makeup.

The Longest Yard II: Officials at Paramount are in negotiations with Burt Reynolds to see if he will star in a sequel to the hit classic, 'The Longest Yard.' Apparently Paramount has already signed up Ray Lewis, Lawrence Taylor, Alan Alda (remember him in Paper Tiger), O.J. Simpson, Mark Chmura, Mark Chmura's babysitter, the Dallas Cowboys, George Kennedy, Dexter Manley, and William 'The Fridge' Perry for comic relief. Ricardo Montalbon is set to play the scheming warden. Paramount is already sending around a promo of the film to get a buzz going: The Longest Yard II - this time the guards don't stand a chance.