HOW TO CHANGE A LIGHTBULB IN HOLLYWOOD'
Presently the market is surfeit with how-to books on makin' it in tinsel town. I find most of these books to be dull and uninformative. Instead, I propose a different pedagogical approach to explain my understanding of the Hollywood system by using light bulb jokes.
How many actors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, according to his contract, he doesn't do his own stunts.
How many starlets does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two - but the scene requires some girl-on-girl nudity.
How many method actors does it take to change a lightbulb?
This improvisation typically takes three actors.
How long does it take a method after to change a lightbulb?
First, there's the background reading on Edison's discovery of electricity, then you follow around an electrician for a few days asking how a small carbonized filament and an improved vacuum inside the globe can create electricity.
How many independent directors does it take to change a light bulb?
A. I'm not gonna lie to ya - there's no money in the budget for a light bulb. So we focus the camera on the feet, as the actor approaches the socket. Once he hits his spot, we rub some metal together, and then we pull up the shades. We've got to get this in one shot. Okay, I've just found out that we can't afford the actor. Dark room. Bang some leather shoes on the ground to effect a walking sound.
How many European Directors . . .?
. Who cares, it's in subtitles.
How many agents . . .?
A. Here's the rule, if you haven't changed a light bulb, you can't get an agent, but you can't get an agent until you've changed a light bulb.
How many auteurs does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 3.
How many special effects specialist ... ?
A: The stunt double holds up the light bulb in front of the blue screen, and a team of special effects guys do the rest in post production. $30 million dollars for a 40-watt bulb; $40 million dollars for a 100-watt bulb.
How many Jerry Bruckenheimers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One to screw it in, and nine to convince you that it's a sun that will implode into a black hole, which tragically will curtail a coming of age love story between the good-looking principals unless a rag-tag team of lovable rogues, recently released from prison, and having just finished a montage sequence training for space, can race to the Sun and stop the Sun from burning out by hooking it up to a large electrical chord, itself connected to a power source generator, created by the socially-awkward offbeat, but good-hearted professor, aka, who reveals in the final scene that he is the long lost father of the heroine of the film, all done to an Aerosmith ballad ...
