Exclusive interview with the Stingray-who-killed-Steve-Irwin
by Casey Flynn

The stingray who killed Steve Irwin was interviewed by Chris Wallace on the Fox Channel Sunday morning show. The stingray initially denied responsibility for the killing of Steve Irwin and blamed a more darkly-complected stingray who wore a black-stalking cap with a fuzzy snowball top and appeared to have gypsy blood.



Photo of Stingray-who-killed-Steve-Irwin in a more innocent time.

In the Wallace Sunday morning interview, the stingray stated that he initially denied responsibility because he was afraid of the backlash from the animal world. He explained further that it was not that the animal community liked Steve Irwin; rather they couldn't stand crocodiles, and he was the crocodile hunter, inter alia.

Radical Shiite cleric Moktada al-Sadr (who has a myspace page under the category of radical Islamic clerics) and his Mahdi Army took responsibility for the killing of Steve Irwin, stating that one of his stingrays had done the job. He further said that more deaths would follow unless America left Iraq or some other network like maybe Showtime would pick up perhaps the best comedy of all-time 'Arrested Development.' When he realized that Steve Irwin was killed by a stingray and not by a stingray missile, he made a qualified retraction of his statement.

But in the exclusive interview with Chris Wallace of the Fox Sunday morning show, he took responsibility for the killing of Steve Irwin.

Chris Wallace: Let's clear up some issues that have caused confusion in the press. Is it true that you are of the Kingdom of Animalia?
Stingray [wearing a Tampa Bay Devil Rays baseball hat]: That is true.
Chris Wallace: And what is your phylum?
Stingray: My phylum is Chordata, my class is Chondrichthyes, and my subclass is: Scotch Irish with a hint of Welsh. And of course there is a funny family story behind that.

Photo of the brother of the Stingray-who-killed-Steve-Irwin: "My brother - such a good kid. Always wanted to go to law school, guess that won't happen now."

Chris Wallace: Okay, is it true that you killed Steve Irwin shortly after 1:00 on 4 September 2006?
Mark Geragos [Winona Ryder, Susan McDougal, Scott Peterson, Michael Jackson et al.]: Chris, this is Mark Geragos, I'm representing the stingray-who-killed-Steve-Irwin in this matter and I have advised the stingray-who-killed-Steve-Irwin not to answer that question.
Chris Wallace: Mr. Geragos, I understood that you'd be representing the stingray-that-killed-Steve Irwin, but I was also informed that he or she or it would be able to answer questions?
Mark Geragos: I'm not representing the stingray-that-killed-Steve-Irwin; I'm representing the stingray-who-killed-Steve-Irwin.
Chris Wallace: Be that as it may, but I ask your client again, were you responsible for killing Steve Irwin?
Stingray: It was I, alas. [Takes sip of coffee]. But I would like to say in my defense, I am not a backstabber, I'm a front-stabber. That's the way I roll.
Chris Wallace: Is it true that you're a big supporter of George Bush and perhaps - not surprisingly - his doctrine of preemption?
Stingray: Well probably it should come as no surprise to you that I believe you have to hit them before they hit us. George Bush and Dick Cheney are straight shooters, who won't be distracted from their goals, much like myself. So I've always been a big supporter of the President and Cheney and his war effort in Iraq.
Chris Wallace: Let me see whether I understand this correctly, George Bush, Dick Cheney and now the Stingray-who-killed-Steve-Irwin are all squarely behind staying the course in Iraq.
Stingray: I'm not questioning the loyalty of those Democrats who say we should cut and run in Iraq, but if we leave Iraq, I believe we're giving sanctuary to terrorists, and then God help us all.
Chris Wallace: You realize you're making these comments in an election year.
Stingray: [takes sip of coffee] Absolutely. And I would gladly offer my support to any Republican running for either the House or the Senate.
Chris Wallace: Let me see if I understand this correctly. The stingray-who-killed-Steve-Irwin is not only supporting the President and Cheney, but any Republican candidate that is running for the House or the Senate
Stingray: Listen, everyone has to ask themselves this question, are you with the terrorist-loving Democrats or are you with the Republicans and the stingray-who-killed-Steve-Irwin?
Chris Wallace: I guess I'm a little bit surprised that you're such a big fan of George Bush and Dick Cheney.
Mark Geragos: Well, think about it, what do George Bush and Dick Cheney and the stingray-who-killed-Steve-Irwin have in common. Sticktuitness.
Chris Wallace: Didn't you feel a little bit bad when you saw the funeral for Steve Irwin especially when his daughter spoke?
Stingray: I've cannibalized at least two-thirds of my kids, some for food, some for reasons not entirely clear to me, I'm entirely instinctual and bipolar.

Sting has felt the backlash caused by the actions of the Stingray- who-killed-Steve-Irwin. While performing in a jazz fusion group in a coffee shop in Sydney, the crowd turned on Sting (pictured above), boo-ed him relentlessly, and demanded that he play one of his Police songs.

Chris Wallace: You've heard stories that stingrays along the beaches of Australia have been attacked and killed in retaliation killings. Does this concern you?
Stingray: [takes sip of coffee]. It just confirms what I've always thought, these Australian convicts are imbeciles. They're retaliating against other stingrays because everyone knows that the stingrays were all working together to kill Steve Irwin. With the exception of a few morning shows and talk shows that we do, stingrays can only communicate through pheromones. It's ridiculous to think that those stingrays had any involvement in the killing.
Chris Wallace: Were you acting alone?
Mark Geragos: I'm going to advise my client not to answer that question whether verbally or through pheromones.
Chris Wallace: You're aware of the fact that a lot of people don't believe that you were acting alone and therefore don't ascribe to the single stun theory. Rather they believe that Hong Kong gangsters who have interests in bauxite mines in the Outback in areas that Steve Irwin was attempting to protect for wildlife put you up to this. Have you heard this?
Stingray: [considers this while chewing on a flaky blueberry frosted Danish] I don't even know what bauxite is?
Chris Wallace: C'mon, the stingray-who-killed-Steve-Irwin, don't play dumb with me. Surely you know that it is the principal ore of aluminum.

At that moment, an Asian man -- nondescript (that is, he looked like all other Asians), who appeared clearly agitated, took a spear out of his jacket and thrust it into the guts of the stingray-who-killed-Steve-Irwin, while saying, 'That's for the crocodile hunter.' The security personnel of the Fox studio then overtook the Asian man, pinning him to the ground.