Jokes and Anecdotes # 5

by Casey Flynn

69. Karl Marx said that people who don't remember history are doomed to repeat it; something I learned the hard way in summer school after I failed Western Civ. during my sophomore year of high school.

70. Every single year, two or three students - who are home schooled - make it to the final rounds of the spelling bee, and from this anecdotal success, people rave about the merits of home schooling. I would just like to point out that Tarzan was a product of home schooling, and though he went on to become a King of some sort, he didn't exactly have the best reading and writing skills.

71. My father was recovering from open-heart surgery, and he had to take a plane to go to a business meeting. My mother protested for him to stay because he had not fully recovered, but he went anyway. She was very worried and told him to call right when he arrived. The phone rang later that night, much later than when he was supposed to call. My mother was pale with fright. My brother rather nonchalantly walked to the phone and answered it. My mother asked, 'Did he arrive safely?' My brother asked into the phone, 'Are you calling from this world?'

72. Remembering my high school sport's glory days: 'Oh yes, I remember it well, the day of the state championship. Four seconds left on the clock; sweat on my brow; our whole team depending on me; the crowd on their feet; the state championship and the season on the line. With every muscle in my body tensed up, I fired that bishop to A7 and cried out, 'Check mate, movarish!” The six people in the crowd and my teammates threw me on their shoulders and we did a victory lap around the activities room of the Knights of Columbus' Community Center. And then in the award's ceremony, we received this glorious State championship plaque made out of real particle board and a $20.00 gift certificate to Rain Forest Burgers – the healthy alternative because their beef is grazed on real 100% rain forest.

73. I wasn't supposed to play that night, but my coach said, 'Franz our fifth board had a career ending injury last night, and we're gonna need you to play!

'What happened, did he blow out an ACL?' I asked.

'No, he had a nervous break down, a little bit like the injury that ended Bobby Fisher's career.' So I go, 'but coach I haven't warmed up, or stretched out, or taped up my glasses. I'm a little rusty.'

74. How many untouchables does it take to change a light bulb?

- Oh, they aren't allowed to do that.

75. Anonymity is not all it's cracked up to be.

76. The market for fiction in America: You might be hoping that someone might pay you for the honor of reading your book, but the reality is, if you pay them an exorbitant reading fee they might skim your book, but chances are they won't.

77. Andy Warhol - one of America's greatest tracers.

78. If Andy Warhol had lived to see the era of 24-hour news cable, he would have probably said that everyone is famous for 1500 years.

79. The Midwest: Ahh the beauty of the Midwest, rolling hills, corn fields, rushing rivers and amber waves of grain . . . and more amber waves of grain, and more amber waves of grain, rest stop, grain silo, exit, filling station, back on interstate and amber waves of grain, and more amber waves of grain . . . and more amber waves of grain . . . fail to use left blinker in a lane change, get pulled over by Andy Griffith-looking policeman from a small town that garners 700f their revenue from speeding tickets, six hours in jail . . . a hot meal of turkey loaf and mashed potatoes from local diner . . . play cards with town drunk . . . the $300 comes through on Western Union to pay ticket . . . back on highway and amber waves of grain . . . and more amber waves of grain . . .

80. Why don't they ever do research to identify the mediocrity gene?

81. I believe that hunting is a sport, a sport not unlike say basketball. For instance in basketball if you misfire a shot, you get sent to the bench. Likewise if you misfire a shot in hunting, your son's gray matter gets splattered all over your L. L. Bean parka. So as you can see, in both sports a level of skill is required

82. Rule to live by No. 41: Never make a how-to fill-free-time decision after having three straight cappuccinos.

- What are you doing?
- I'm reading Cervantes unabridged Don Quixote in the original Spanish.
- But you don't read or speak Spanish, right?
- (After taking a sip of cappuccino) No, but I just look up the words that I don't know. I've been sitting here for three hours and I'm already on page cinco.

83. God: n. def. the big surveillance camera up in the sky.

84. (Joke that I overheard) What's the difference between an I.P.O. for an East Coast and a West Coast start-up company?

- An I.P.O. for East coast start-up is 40 people and $1 million; an I.P.O. for a West Coast start-up is $40 million and one-person.

85. My father was recovering from open-heart surgery. Some work had to be done in the backyard. My father tried to persuade my younger brother to help him with the yard work. My brother refused and continued to watch M.T.V.. My father alone went out to the yard and began to toil away. Later, sweating profusely, he stuck his head back into the air-conditioned house and declared, 'You know, if I have a heart attack out here and die, and Mom comes out and finds me in the yard, you'll have hell to pay.' My brother lowered the volume of the television and replied, 'If you die out there, I'll drag your body back into your bedroom, and drape a book over your face.' He turned up the volume of the television. Later he would go out to help.