Jokes and Anecdotes # 6
by Casey Flynn
86. Signs that you have a bad doctor:
A. Your doctor refers to blood as 'human juice'.
B. Patient: How long is this surgery going to take?
Doctor: Normally it takes about three hours, but since I have a learning disability, I get extra time to do it in.
C. Patient: Do you have malpractice insurance?
Doctor: Yes, but only collision.
87. Sports abroad
I spent two years of high school abroad in Mexico. I always remember fondly my time as a batter on the local high school pinyata team. 'Ahhhh that championship season of '88, we sure ate a helluva lot of candy.'
88. Not a good birthday
I turned 30 and the only happy birthday greeting that I received was from my on-line dating service lovematch.com. It read as follows: 'Happy Birthday and warmest wishes from your dear friends at lovematch.com on turning 30; we have updated your personnel ad.. DO NOT RESPOND TO THIS E-MAIL.'
89. Vince McMahon - the Martin Luther of football.
90. The Christmas Spirit:
Setting: family around dinner table
Mom: I don't know, but it's Christmas, and we should do something for the community, perhaps make some kind of special offering as a family, something to make this a real Christmas, what do you think?
Younger brother: If we want to make this a real Christmas, we should go outside with the dogs in the shed with the hay and the snow and the freezing temperatures, like a real Christmas manger --
Older brother (interrupting): -- actually the real Christmas took place in like Israel, which is a desert so it couldn't have been that cold?
Younger brother: 0h I thought you were interrupting to say that that the real Christmas took place in fantasy land.
Dad: Actually, it does get really cold –
Younger brother: In fantasy land?
Older brother (interrupting): No, he's talking about the desert –
Dad: No, outside in the shed with the dogs. I was thinking that we need to put more hay out there.
Mom: As I was saying, it would be really nice . . .
91. Suffrage Day: def. - the day that women received the right to vote, or as it's known amongst men: 'What-the-hell-were-we-thinking day.'
92. A feminist: def. - someone who wants equal pay for equal work as well as their husband's paycheck.
93. The Trash
Dad: Guess what you forgot to do today.
Son: What?
Dad: The trash, I thought you're always telling me that you're some kind of genius.
Son: Well, you know how there's high-functioning and low-functioning retarded people, well I'm a low-functioning genius.
Dad (impatiently): Take out the trash tomorrow.
Son: Well, I'll try.
94. 'Silence is Acceptance'
I e-mailed this girl I knew from college casually about once a week for about a year until I finally remarked offhandedly: 'Hey, I have a great idea how 'bout I come out for a nice quiet, romantic weekend, alone at your place, just the two of us. You know, we can rent some movies and then . . . uhm . . .you know . . . uhm . . .'
She hadn't responded in a month, and since I'm a lawyer, I responded, somewhat humorously, 'Under certain circumstances in the common law, silence equals acceptance. I will arrive at your doorstep on Friday at four o'clock.'
Read this, and other secrets on dating and meeting women in my new book: 'How to become a really, really creepy guy!'
95. Subtle hints
My dad and my brother were installing a light fixture in our house. While my brother was holding up some component, my father accidentally whacked my brother's hand with the part he was holding. Instead of saying, 'Think before you do something,' he merely remarked: 'If dad ever killed someone, he could never be convicted of premeditated murder.'
96. (Internet joke)
A man walking along a California beach was deep in
prayer. All of a sudden, he said out loud, 'Lord grant
me one wish.'
Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a
booming voice the Lord said, 'Because you have TRIED
to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one
wish'
The man said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii, so I can
drive over anytime I want to.'
The Lord said, 'Your request is very materialistic.
Think of the logistics of that kind of undertaking.
The supports required to reach the bottom of the
Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can
do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire
for worldly things. Take a little more time and
think of another wish, a wish you think would honor
and glorify me.'
The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he
said, 'Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I
want to know how they feel inside,what they are
thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why
they cry, what they mean when they say 'nothing', and
how I can make a woman truly happy'
After a few minutes God said, 'You want two lanes or
four on that bridge
97. On Death
Woody Allen has this great joke on death. It goes: 'I'm not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.'
Does death upset me? Let me put it this way, I was working at my desk, highlighting a document, and at some point I lost the cap of my highlighter, so I tried to find it, but was unable. Eventually I took another highlighter and went back to work. But the sight of the exposed yellow head on the desk began to trouble me. For the next hour, I scoured my office but in the end, I was unable to find it. It bothered me terribly as the thing dried up; sure I tried a different cap and attempted to revive it with water, but alas it died. At the end of the day, I tossed it in the trash-can. A brand new highlighter - fresh out of the pack, still in its prime - what a waste!
98. How does the disabled parking work at a parking lot for a nursing home?
99. Is caffeine a drug?
My friend who is a doctor is always trying to convince me that caffeine is both addictive and a drug. I said that this was nonsense and to prove my point I said that I - a coffee drinker at work with a few caffeinated beverages at lunch - would not consume any caffeine for a three-week period and do it with great ease.
In that three weeks, I believe that I proved my point. I gave up caffeine - cold turkey, and I had absolutely no cravings, no negative side effects or signs of withdrawal, or even the expected headaches. Of course during that three weeks, the only time that I left the couch in front of my television where I was subsisting in a semi-comatose state was to get new batteries for my v.c.r..
100. The pound: def. Noun - Auschwitz for dogs.
101. Trust
I was about to take a drink out of a glass, but then I realized that it was someone else's. My brother remarked, 'Aren't you going to drink?' 'No, someone else drank out of it.' After remarking, 'Don't you trust your immune system?', he took the glass and began to drink out of it.
102.
Younger brother: You're doing it all wrong. Do it right or don't do it at all.
Mom: You're always criticizing and belittling me.
Younger brother: Big corporations spend top dollars to have people come in and criticize and assess their performance, and you're getting it for free.
