Project Jokes, Anecdotes, and Witticisms
103. Interesting fact, I heard that women attempt suicide twice as much as men do, but they are four times less likely to be successful, why is that anyone anyone? They're incompetent.
104. Listening for women: def. - for the final time, listening to yourself talk does not count.
105. Where women go to get fat and conspire against men, definition for: 'The Cheesecake Factory' (tim).
106. I'm not saying that she's overweight, but if she were in a 'plane crash' in the Andes with a rugby team, the first words out of their mouth wouldn't be 'rape'. (tim)
107. I was talking to a friend of mine; a woman who was 50 and was going through a divorce. She was complaining that her ex-husband was dating a 29-year-old, while she has trouble finding dates and how unfair it all was. To pick up her spirits I told her that I know another woman, 50, recently divorced, and just wonderfully happy in relationship with this new guy. Of course, the guy's 90.
108. 'I was surprised that she is going out with him. She's really attractive, and he's well -'
'He's 'man pretty'.'
‘He's overweight - he has a huge gut.’
‘That’s man pretty.’
He has a double or triple chin.”
‘Man pretty.’
‘What do you mean by man pretty?’
'Huh? What does that mean?'
'He has money.'(tim).
109. A friend of mine married a girl from Russia. He brought her over to the United States. They had an interview at the INS office, and the interviewer asked them questions about each other to make sure they were in a bonafide relationship. They asked my friend what was her favorite movie; he said, 'Green Card.'
110. I went to one of those gay weddings, a groom groom affair. Lovely wedding, great reception. At one point during the reception, one of the grooms threw the bouquet, and it just so happened that the bouquet fell into my hands. . . . What does this mean!
111. Well they indicted Michael Jackson. Michael Jackson made a statement that he did not believe he get a fair trial because of this country's long and troubled history of discrimination - against extraterrestrials.
112. A lot of people were surprised that George Bush did not fire George Tenet after he gave wrong intelligence which led to the invasion of a foreign country. What people fail to realize is that George Tenet is a government worker, kinda hard to lose one of those jobs. Got to do a little bit more than give wrong information that leads to the invasion of a foreign country.
113. I just recently rented the movie: 'The Importance of Being Ernest', and I was real excited because I like those kind of movies. But about 10 minutes into it I knew that something was wrong, where's that guy, you know, Jim Varney, the Hey Vern, ''KnowhutImean?' guy, wait this isn't part of the much loved: 'Ernest goes to Jail' 'Ernest Scared Stupid' 'Ernest saves Christmas' series
114. [Hollywood] You can lay all the screenwriters in this town end-to-end, and you still wouldn't get a complete sentence.
115. I got a job as a lawyer at the ACLU, as a condition of employment they wanted me to sign a confidentiality agreement regarding my working there. I said that I believed this violated my First Amendment rights. I filed suit; later the ACLU determined that I had a case and freed up some lawyers from its Nativity-Scene-City-Hall-action task force, and they joined in on my behalf; the case has been pending in the courts for five years.
116. My brother has long-haired, that appears to disheveled, and he dresses sort of grunge. Someone found a high school picture of him where he was dressed in a coat and tie with neatly cut hair. Upon seeing it, he replied, 'I was a model prisoner.'
117. Every now and then my mother tries to get my father interested in one of her projects, my brother finally pointed out that that my dad is not interested in the stuff that he's interested in. (deras).
118. A lot of people are upset because in Middle America Wal-Mart stores are shutting down small towns specifically the old mom-and-pop grocery stores. But what people fail to remember is this, who ran the grocery store in these small towns? The Olson's, remember Mrs. Olsen, 'Little House on the Prairie' - the biggest jerk in town.
119. The M.P.R.E. is a multiple-choice ethics test that an individual has to take and pass to become a lawyer in the state of Missouri. There is an old saying, which states: 'the correct answer is that answer which gives the lawyer the least amount of money.'
120. I saw this interview with Yoko, apparently she says she still doesn't know who 'The Beatles' are.
121. It's covered in dust and cobwebs; it's unclear what is the top or bottom or right side up, and you keep it in a dark corner of your basement, definition for: exercise equipment.
122. I was wheeled into physical therapy in a wheelchair. I was introduced to this gung ho physical therapist, he kept saying: 'What are our goals here?' Finally, I muttered, 'Sixpack abs,' to walk you moron.
123. I've had some neuro-muscular problems and because of this, I've been at least 50% wheelchair-bound. The neurologists always tell me that there is nothing wrong with me. And that's comforting because neurologist are amazing people; they can find a needle in the haystack. The problem is they can't find the haystack.
124. What's the number one hobby of Hindus in America? - cardiology.
125. My camera rule; I want a camera that takes me out of the equation.
126. Oliver Stone announced that he is going to do his version of 'Lord of the Rings' from the Orcs perspective; he felt Jackson's version essentially characterized the Orcs in a negative and stereotypical light. His version will focus on the socioeconomic poverty that the Orcs experience because of high tariff policies in northern industrial Middle Earth, which prevent the Orcs from developing a middle-class as well as the rich cultural traditions of Orcs, for instance, randomly ripping the heads off of each other, as a form of expression of annoyance.
127. I heard that even James Joyce needed an annotated edition when he went back and re-read what he wrote for 'Ulysses'.
128. I wrote a play, a sequel to: 'Waiting for Godot'; it's called: 'Still Waiting for Godot'; Godot - late again.
Jokes, Anecdotes, and Witticisms #7
by Casey Flynn103. Interesting fact, I heard that women attempt suicide twice as much as men do, but they are four times less likely to be successful, why is that anyone anyone? They're incompetent.
104. Listening for women: def. - for the final time, listening to yourself talk does not count.
105. Where women go to get fat and conspire against men, definition for: 'The Cheesecake Factory' (tim).
106. I'm not saying that she's overweight, but if she were in a 'plane crash' in the Andes with a rugby team, the first words out of their mouth wouldn't be 'rape'. (tim)
107. I was talking to a friend of mine; a woman who was 50 and was going through a divorce. She was complaining that her ex-husband was dating a 29-year-old, while she has trouble finding dates and how unfair it all was. To pick up her spirits I told her that I know another woman, 50, recently divorced, and just wonderfully happy in relationship with this new guy. Of course, the guy's 90.
108. 'I was surprised that she is going out with him. She's really attractive, and he's well -'
'He's 'man pretty'.'
‘He's overweight - he has a huge gut.’
‘That’s man pretty.’
He has a double or triple chin.”
‘Man pretty.’
‘What do you mean by man pretty?’
'Huh? What does that mean?'
'He has money.'(tim).
109. A friend of mine married a girl from Russia. He brought her over to the United States. They had an interview at the INS office, and the interviewer asked them questions about each other to make sure they were in a bonafide relationship. They asked my friend what was her favorite movie; he said, 'Green Card.'
110. I went to one of those gay weddings, a groom groom affair. Lovely wedding, great reception. At one point during the reception, one of the grooms threw the bouquet, and it just so happened that the bouquet fell into my hands. . . . What does this mean!
111. Well they indicted Michael Jackson. Michael Jackson made a statement that he did not believe he get a fair trial because of this country's long and troubled history of discrimination - against extraterrestrials.
112. A lot of people were surprised that George Bush did not fire George Tenet after he gave wrong intelligence which led to the invasion of a foreign country. What people fail to realize is that George Tenet is a government worker, kinda hard to lose one of those jobs. Got to do a little bit more than give wrong information that leads to the invasion of a foreign country.
113. I just recently rented the movie: 'The Importance of Being Ernest', and I was real excited because I like those kind of movies. But about 10 minutes into it I knew that something was wrong, where's that guy, you know, Jim Varney, the Hey Vern, ''KnowhutImean?' guy, wait this isn't part of the much loved: 'Ernest goes to Jail' 'Ernest Scared Stupid' 'Ernest saves Christmas' series
114. [Hollywood] You can lay all the screenwriters in this town end-to-end, and you still wouldn't get a complete sentence.
115. I got a job as a lawyer at the ACLU, as a condition of employment they wanted me to sign a confidentiality agreement regarding my working there. I said that I believed this violated my First Amendment rights. I filed suit; later the ACLU determined that I had a case and freed up some lawyers from its Nativity-Scene-City-Hall-action task force, and they joined in on my behalf; the case has been pending in the courts for five years.
116. My brother has long-haired, that appears to disheveled, and he dresses sort of grunge. Someone found a high school picture of him where he was dressed in a coat and tie with neatly cut hair. Upon seeing it, he replied, 'I was a model prisoner.'
117. Every now and then my mother tries to get my father interested in one of her projects, my brother finally pointed out that that my dad is not interested in the stuff that he's interested in. (deras).
118. A lot of people are upset because in Middle America Wal-Mart stores are shutting down small towns specifically the old mom-and-pop grocery stores. But what people fail to remember is this, who ran the grocery store in these small towns? The Olson's, remember Mrs. Olsen, 'Little House on the Prairie' - the biggest jerk in town.
119. The M.P.R.E. is a multiple-choice ethics test that an individual has to take and pass to become a lawyer in the state of Missouri. There is an old saying, which states: 'the correct answer is that answer which gives the lawyer the least amount of money.'
120. I saw this interview with Yoko, apparently she says she still doesn't know who 'The Beatles' are.
121. It's covered in dust and cobwebs; it's unclear what is the top or bottom or right side up, and you keep it in a dark corner of your basement, definition for: exercise equipment.
122. I was wheeled into physical therapy in a wheelchair. I was introduced to this gung ho physical therapist, he kept saying: 'What are our goals here?' Finally, I muttered, 'Sixpack abs,' to walk you moron.
123. I've had some neuro-muscular problems and because of this, I've been at least 50% wheelchair-bound. The neurologists always tell me that there is nothing wrong with me. And that's comforting because neurologist are amazing people; they can find a needle in the haystack. The problem is they can't find the haystack.
124. What's the number one hobby of Hindus in America? - cardiology.
125. My camera rule; I want a camera that takes me out of the equation.
126. Oliver Stone announced that he is going to do his version of 'Lord of the Rings' from the Orcs perspective; he felt Jackson's version essentially characterized the Orcs in a negative and stereotypical light. His version will focus on the socioeconomic poverty that the Orcs experience because of high tariff policies in northern industrial Middle Earth, which prevent the Orcs from developing a middle-class as well as the rich cultural traditions of Orcs, for instance, randomly ripping the heads off of each other, as a form of expression of annoyance.
127. I heard that even James Joyce needed an annotated edition when he went back and re-read what he wrote for 'Ulysses'.
128. I wrote a play, a sequel to: 'Waiting for Godot'; it's called: 'Still Waiting for Godot'; Godot - late again.
