1. Love: def. - something that should be regulated by the FDA.

2. Infra-red contact lenses - gift ideas for the self-conscious stalker.

3. F. Scott Fitzgerald was famous for saying, "There are no second acts in American life. . . " I always thought he left out, "If you're a raging alcoholic."

4. Have you ever noticed that the people who go around saying, "Damn, wetback ferners if they can't speak English - they should get the hell out" don't themselves have the greatest capacity with foreign languages.

5. Why don't people like lawyers? - That's a good question, and right now, I don't have the answer, but I'll get my associates right on it, but I've got to tell you up front that my fee is 300 dollars-an-hour, plus expenses, of course I'll have to charge you separately . . .

6. Shakespeare said, . . . the first thing we do - is kill all the lawyers. Of course, the second part of that line is less well-known. Shakespeare continued: the second thing we do is find a really good defense lawyer to help us beat the rap . . .

7. Physician-assisted suicide, formally known as - MALPRACTICE.

8. What do the death penalty and physician-assisted suicide have in common? - If they screw up, you're lying there, writhing in unbearable pain.

9. The thing that upsets me most about welfare reform is that it's not the mothers that suffer the most, but . . . their live-in boyfriends.

10. N.O.W. claims that women have to work seven times harder than a man to acquire the same position in a corporation. Well, if they're gonna work that inefficiently - it's no wonder it takes them so long to get ahead.

11. It turns out that N.O.W. receives 470f their contributions from men. "Honey, did you write out that check and mail it to N.O.W.?" "Yes I did, dear."

12. N.O.W. hopes that one day, when we look at the Senate, we will have achieved gender equality in our government, and instead of seeing a bunch of white elderly, millionaire men in Congress, we will also see their sisters.

13. According to their charter, what is the underlying goal for the National Organization for Women? - They want their own homeland - plus child support.

14. True story, I found this book in the library on how to convert to the Voodoo religion. It was called: 'Voodoos and Voodon'ts - a beginner's guide.'

15. Fast food: def. - an LDL cholesterol-delivery system.

16. What's in the secret sauce of McDonald's Big Mac? - The building blocks for type-two diabetes.

17. Marx said, "Religion is the opiate of the people," I say that opiates are the religion of the people.

18. Buddhism is a religion that has no legs to stand on. Why? Buddha achieved nirvana while sitting down.