Jokes, Anecdotes, Aphorisms#3
by Casey Flynn

32. Advice to new parents: when your two-year-old screams for ice cream, sometimes for hours on end, you should give the child the ice cream. Learn this and other child-rearing secrets in my new book called: "How to raise a Serial Killer."

33. One environmental group up in Oregon had this in their newsletter: "We must stop the destruction of the Amazon Forest, every second, we lose 10,000 acres of the Amazon forest, rare fauna and flora are destroyed forever. We should leave this pristine, bio-diverse environment alone, untouched for what God it intended for . . ." growing drugs?

34. P.E.T.A. headquarters: Drop a male/female pair of mice into a heating vent of their headquarters, and let the fun begin.

35. I was on the plane, reading the Bible - a copy of which I had bought at the airport's gift shop for the long flight to England. The woman - sitting next to me - remarked: "You know, Jesus Christ, he gets crucified." "Thanks for ruining the ending."

36. Kissing def. :
1) a field trip for germs.
2) a chance for a prisoner exchange between germs.

37. Jesus Christ, in his meeting with the press after the Second Coming: "Any regrets? Sure, I sold the copyright to the New Testament when it wasn't doing such good business, who would have guessed that it would be such a huge seller in papyrus."


38. What's great literature?


If you can't determine who's talking to who and where you are in a story that you can't figure out, and it's three a.m., and you need to come up with 14 more doubled-spaced pages in under six hours on some vague recurring leitmotif, . . . ahhh that's great literature . . .

39. On the increasing number of English actors who play Americans in our films: it's sad that this country can't produce enough actors that can do convincing American accents.

40. Professional wrestling: lest we forget - it's a profession.

41. Sign No. 58 that you've lived at home for too long:
- "Hey Mom."
- "How was work?"
- "Tough afternoon, those guys from the IRS were back to double-check the audit I did on the Anderson account, but tomorrow should be better, because the office's gonna take the afternoon off and we're all goin' to go to the baseball game."
- "Do you need me to sign a permission slip?"

42. Sign No. 32 that you have a bad diet:

You order into the drive-thru: "Ten White Castles with cheese, two cheese fries, a large coke, and a chocolate shake," and you turn to your friend in the passenger seat and say: "$8.47" before the voice on the intercom gives the total, confirming your prediction.


43. ". . . as American as apple pie," which is of course a German recipe . . .

44. I've reached that stage in my dating life where my most attractive attribute is the American citizenship that I can confer on another person.

45. How many Charles Dickens does it take to change a light bulb? - 10,000.

46. A classmate asked me:
- "You get a 'C' on that test - how, I thought that you had a photographic memory?"
- "I do, but sometimes the pictures come back out of focus."

47. An outline for a philosophy 101 test:
- The Earth: one big Titanic.
- Heaven: the ship that could save us - off in the distance.
- The cold Atlantic: the cold Atlantic.
- Hell: where John Paul Sarte is.

48. Reincarnation: Again, I might have gotten this wrong, but the basic idea is that the soul that your body is wearing is an off-the-rack, hand-me-down from someone else's body.


49. Marriage vows: before the ceremony, the two sides hammer out the wording like their jury instructions.

50. Hollywood: whenever a star mentions their husband or wife, they should remember to use the modifier 'current' or 'recurring'.

51. My rule of dating: - I could only go out with a girl as a potential girlfriend if we were truly friends first, of course if we were truly friends first I would have to confide in her that she should never go out with somewhat like me.