politics

Courier-for-God
by Casey Flynn

This help wanted ad appeared in the Palestinian Picayune - Sunday magazine Lifestyle section. Needed: Martyr Courier $5.50-an-hour (plus tips) Quick Advancement (To Heaven) Good benefits (dental - for later identification And time-and-a-half for Islamic holidays.) Per diem, viz. gas, meal, burial; go directly to heaven (no security or check in), and eight virgins (with good teeth) upon arriving in heaven. Palestinian Authority-certified or GED-equivalent Located in the basement of the Hammas orphanage: Hammas Personnel Office Director: J. Abu Hassan, IV (Achille Laurel, The Wailing Wall Massacre, Speed 2)

'Yeah Yasser, this is J Abu. How've I been? Business is great, almost too good, we've lost a lot of good people. Did you like the ad in the paper? Excellent, I'm hoping to fill those time slots this weeks, so we can meet our fall quota. I know about the cutbacks, don't worry, we've learned from our mistakes and we're only hiring temps this time. Well, I'm interviewing right now, I'll get back to you.'

J. Abu hangs up the phone and buzzes his secretary to send in the next applicant, Hussein El Amman. 'Hussein, take a seat right there.'
'Thank you sir,' he replies and sits right down. 'Hussein, we've got a lot of applicants outside, so I'm gonna be direct. Are you willing to work weekends? Specifically Friday and Saturday night because right now those are the slots I need to fill.'

'Absolutely sir. Actually I prefer to work weekends because during the week I'm tied up with throwing rocks at Israeli troops and of course I volunteer at the quarry.'

'Hussein, if you don't mind me being blunt, you're going to need to grow a five- o-clock shadow and let your hair become a little more unkempt. I know it's a cliché, but in business, appearance is everything, and when Hammas gets a sub-contract for a 'martyr courier,' you're no longer Hussein El Amman, but a reflection of the Hammas corporate image.'

Hussein demurely lowers his head. 'But don't worry Hussein, I like you and would like to offer you a position.' Hussein beams a smile. 'So let's get going on the paperwork,' he says, pulling out some government forms. 'I know this is a formality, but do you have a passport or an identification number? I know it's annoying, but the Palestinian Authority is just making sure we're hiring naturalized Palestinians, and not bringing in any Libyans or German environmentalist temps.'

Hussein hands him his identification card. After J. Abu perfunctorily fills out the payroll forms, he remarks offhandedly, 'Good, these look fake,' and hands them back to Hussein. “By the way, you're not a union agitator because Hammas refuses to unionize. Hell, it would drive us out of business with the increased labor costs.' 'Absolutely not, sir.'

'Good because last year this guy tried to set up the Gaza strip chapter of the Teamsters for courier martyrs, and it caused quite a raucous. I mean, for Mohammed's sake, the tactics those Teamsters employ, well it's just unconscionable.'
'Did you fire him?'
'No we sent him out on a job,' he replies matter-of-factly and then efficiently creates a file for his new employee. 'I'm gonna to give you this sample test, which is an aptitude exam and also looks at your understanding of the martyr courier biz. Just take a look at some of the questions to familiarize yourself with the format.'

Hussein quickly glances over some of the questions. Why do you want to become a martyr courier?
A) Zealot-like devotion to Allah
B) Zealot-like devotion to Allah, and your girlfriend just broke up with you.
C) Zealot-like devotion to Allah, and your girlfriend just broke up with you, who's now dating the Jew, who fired you from the rubber bullet factory.
D) Parental Pressure.

If a martyr courier is driving a truck laden with TNT at a rate of 30-km-an-hour and the crowded Jewish temple is ten miles away, how long until the blood runs through the streets?

A) Eight minutes
B) Six minutes
C) 11 minutes
D) The Arabs developed mathematics
E) A, C, D
F) Only C.

PLEASE ANSWER THESE SHORT QUESTIONS ON MARTYR COURIER ETIQUTTE

Is it proper to serve a Molotov cocktail with a white meat sautéed in a reduced fat lemon-garlic sauce at a Bar Mitzvah?
Does the salad fork go to the right or the left of the retractable, double edge knife at formal state dinners for the Palestinian Authority?

Should one eat a meal before a big, planned terrorist attack before sunrise during Ramadan?

When members of the Palestinian Authority go golfing, is it considered bad sportsmanship to fire a golf ball out of those rocket launchers on those difficult par fives?

'As you can see, Hussein, the questions are straightforward, and the test will be tomorrow. I'm assuming you will pass, so I want you to go outside and get your uniform from my secretary.'

J. Abu warmly shakes his hand and then ushers Hussein to meet his assistant in the next room. 'Hey, we're gonna hire Hussein here, so set him with a uniform and other such things, and send in the next applicant.'

After obtaining his correct size, the secretary places the uniform in front of him. Hussein is a little taken aback that the robe and turban are made out of a polyester, rayon, gortex mix. The sandals are synthetic leather and conspicuously shiny. The secretary hurriedly gives him his 'Key to Heaven' and tells him to wear it around his neck. Hussein examines the key, while noting the warning: 'Do not duplicate: Property of Motel 6.' She also quickly makes a copy of 'a letter of introduction to Allah' and hands it to him. 'Are you going to want federal taxes taken out now from your check or are you going to wait till tax time?'

Hussein thinks for a long time before deciding, 'I think I'm gonna wait.' 'Here's the time and date of your first assignment. Show up in this uniform with your beard grown out to a length no greater than 6-milimeters and we want you here fifteen minutes early, so you can clock in.' Tragically Hussein overslept his first day of work, so he was fired and black-listed from Hammas' social events including their big disco-theme dance where everyone dressed up as circa 1970's-styled terrorists. (They could hardly believe that they wore those polyester tunics!) Hussein subsequently got a job with the Palestinian Pizza Palace with their 30-minute guarantee. While rushing to a delivery, he lost control of the car and his car exploded into a Jewish market. Hammas claimed responsibility which was really fortunate for the Pizza Palace because it saved them a negligence suit.