politics

McCain's North Vietnamese Captors
by Casey Flynn

Mike Wallace will interview Diem Pho Nyugen, the North Vietnamese prison officials who was in charge of the Hanoi Hilton during John McCain's captivity in the early '70s. Today he is the owner of a footwear factory/day-care center in a industrial park outside of Ho Chi Minh city. Here is a sampling of the interview that 60 Minutes released to the press:
"What is your opinion of John McCain?"
"Don't get me wrong, I like John McCain, but . . .well . . . uhm . . . he has a horrible temper . . ."
"Clarify that, what do you mean by horrible?"
"His temper was so frightening that some days we couldn't find the guards who were willing to torture him and well break his arms, stick sharpened bamboo up his fingernails, while electrocuting his privates. I mean, I was formally trained for my profession in Turkey before doing my practicum in the New York City public school system, but nothing in my training prepared me for the likes of John McCain."
"You wrote that he had five different cellmates during his time as a p.o.w., was that because of his temper?"
"Well that, and the snoring."
"Have you talked to John McCain since his release?"
"I'm not much of a letter writer, but we do have mutual friend in common, Phil Knight of Nike."
"Do you belief, in light of your experience with John McCain, that he's fit to be president of the United States?" "I don't think he would make a good president, and I think he should go back to making the Diehard movies, I really enjoyed those movies."

Other outtakes from the Interview

One of the former Vietnamese workers at the Hanoi Hilton complained, "He was a horrible tipper and he left without paying the $600 room service bill that he had run up." Hearing this, John McCain responded angrily to Mike Wallace: "Oh yeah, well you can tell them that they'll never get their miniature shampoos back that I smuggled out in my colon!" Showing this bit of tape to the Vietnamese, they responded in kind: "0h really, well you can tell him that those were really just bath gels that we labeled as shampoo - it's a little cost saving tip that we picked up from Ho Chi Minh to trick the neo-colonial, imperialist-lacky-capitalist tourist.

McCain Fights Skin Cancer
by Casey Flynn

John McCain is suffering from one of the most deadly forms of skin cancer - vietconganoma. He has two separate growths, one on his temple and the other on his back. Doctors are more concerned about the growth on his temple because it's closer to the saigonebellum - the reasoning part of the brain.

According to Dr. Westmorland of the Sloan-Kettering Cancer Institute, the vietconganoma is a particularly pernicious form of cancer. 'Initially, they meet in perfectly healthy, though secret cells throughout the epidermal region,' Westmorland explained, 'but soon they effect these healthy cells, take over the cell division process, and then begin replicating defective, though disciplined cancer cells known as vietconganoma.'

The problem with a vietconganoma is that they're very difficult to search and destroy. They tunnel perhaps for thousands of nanometers deep within the skin, and they leave in their tracks booby traps of apparently healthy cells, which actually conceal sharpened bamboo. As a result, surgery can be very perilous. Some doctors try to go in with a knife and excise the cancerous growth, but others believe it is more effective to use chop sticks.

It turns out that some varieties of vietanoma - of which vietconganoma is related - are both healthy and necessary for the proper functioning of the body, and they shouldn't be destroyed - in fact it's quite dangerous if they are eliminated.

Unfortunately all vietanomas look alike, and there's millions of them. They are also very good at math and the sciences. And though our cancer doctors keep coming up with better medicines to fight these diseases, the vietconganoma are constantly mutating, and scientifically, coming up with more ways to become resistant to the various treatments.

Why are they able to do this? It so happens that vietonomas have a higher IQ than Americans and they don't spend as much time in front of the television. Instead, they work in the rice fields. And if son vietconganoma says, 'The hell with you dad, I'm not picking rice today.' Father vietconganoma drags son vietconganoma and hooks him up to the metallic guts of a bed's springboard and puts the exposed electrical wire on the springboard. In other words, family values are very important . . .

Apparently McCain has fired his last doctor - Dr. McNamera, who wanted to bomb every inch of his body with radiation. In any case, the entire staff of jokezine.com has no doubt that McCain will get past this just like he survived another bout of vietconganoma in the early '70s.