Bush nominated Saddam Hussein to replace Donald Rumsfeld as Secretary of Defense

By Casey Flynn

Bush nominated Saddam Hussein to replace Donald Rumsfeld as Secretary of Defense. A spokesman for the Bush administration stated Saddam Hussein had the best credentials of preventing a Civil War in Iraq, bringing security to Iraq, and keeping Iran under control. Saddam Hussein, as the picture above shows, is tanned and well-rested after his sabbatical year, provided to him courtesy of the United States.

Saddam Hussein has a proven track record of keeping the country of Iraq together and preventing a Civil War from breaking out between the main ethnic groups: the Shia, Sunni, Kurds, and Sigma Chis (according to memo written by Bush appointee to State Department). And as a the most significant patron of ostentatious architecture since Louis IVX (the Louvre, Versailles, etc), he is also considered the individual best able
to finish the Gilded Palaces of Saddam Hussein Architecture Program, which Iraq believes will bring tourists from around the world. (Here is Uday Hussein’s room, its furnished with elaborately carved and gilded furniture, fine oriental rugs, silk fabrics and an Iron Maiden used for the torture of Iraqi athletes who were deemed not to have “hustled” during sporting events).

Picture shows Donald Rumsfeld welcoming his new replacement.

Indeed, Saddam Hussein feels invigorated after his sabbatical year. He spent most of the time during his sabbatical year working on his new novel: “Begone, Demons” his fourth. It involves the story of Robert El-Al-Langdon, a Harvard professor of symbology , who can't stay out of trouble. This mild-mannered academic finds himself entangled in a deadly conspiracy that stretches back centuries, revolving around a Zionist-Christian conspiracy against Arabs and Muslims with a strong love story component. The love story follows two young lovers named Allie and Saddam Calhoun, who meet one evening at a carnival, but are separated by Allie's parents who dissaprove of Saddam’s unwealthy tribe and move Allie away … After waiting for Saddam to write her for several years, Allie meets and gets engaged to a handsome young Zionist soldier named Lonstein. Allie, then, with her love for Saddam still alive, stops by Saddam’s lavish ziggurat-shaped palace that he restored for her (with kickbacks he received from the oil-for-food program) "to see if he's okay". It is evident that they still have feelings for each other, and Allie has to choose between her Zionist fiancé and her first love. “Begone, Demons” heralds the arrival of a new breed of lightening-paced, intelligent thriller…utterly unpredictable right up to its stunning conclusion.

Saddam Hussein received initial endorsements from Republican and Democratic Senate leaders yesterday after meeting with them on Capitol Hill. Senate Democratic leader Harry Reid of Nevada said Hussein should be confirmed in the next few weeks, barring surprises. After meeting with the nominee, Reid suggested Saddam Hussein most attractive trait was that he was not departing Defense Secretary Donald H. Rumsfeld. Also he told Saddam Hussein during a lighter moment of their private meeting, “Don't ruin the ending of ‘Begone, Demons.’”

There is some concern that Saddam Hussein's nomination might have some trouble on the Hill because reportedly he did not pay the required tax for his nanny in the 1980s. He also tortured and killed his nanny in the 1980s. More egregiously, he told her that the job would involve light housework – in fact it involved difficult, extensive housework.

Saddam Hussein was also a secular leader, a foe to Islamic fundamentalism, and successfully kept Islamic extremism in check in his own country. He abolished the Sharia (traditional Islamic law) law courts in favor of a Western-style legal system; (the United States has partly reversed that). He was also fond of going to the all-you-can-eat Pizza Hut buffet in Baghdad during daylight hours of Ramadan and eating pizza with cheese in the crust. (Of course, the Koran proscribes eating pizza with cheese in the crust during daylight hours of Ramadan.)

Many are calling this the return of the realistic approach of Bush 41. In fact, former secretary of State James A. Baker III – himself a realistic recommended a change of Rumsfeld, a leading neocon, with a proven realist like Saddam Hussein. Bush 41 had previously and successfully worked with Saddam Hussein in the 1970s and 1980s.

In sum, the neocon approach -- establish a democracy of sorts in Iraq, hoping that a democratic Iraq would be an ally in our war on terror; the realistic approach, find one of those guys who goes around cutting off heads in Iraq, cut (uhm) a deal with him to make him our guy in Iraq and allow him to impose security in Iraq.

Though it is true that Saddam Hussein has much blood on his hands, Saddam Hussein’s double pointed out at his war crimes/Hussein’s open mic. trial, “Yeah okay sure, I killed some people, but you should see the amount of people they wanted me to kill. I'm not a numbers guy. The people of Iraq are just simply bloodthirsty whackos. When the dust settles (if it ever does), I might be the most moderate even-tempered person in this country.”