Al Gore's Diary
by Casey Flynn

Intimate portrait of Al Gore in his own words. Learn what it's like to be Vice-President of the United States. Sample entry: Woke up today around ten o'clock. Turned on C-SPAN. 0h great, it looks like there was going to be a tie in the Senate and I would have to haul my ass down there and cast the tie-breaking vote. Luckily the vote did not end in a tie. Having finished my official Vice-Presidential activities for the day, I headed to the Borders bookstore to get coffee and read magazines for free. At Borders, a guy walked by me and put his hand in his pocket, so the Secret Service threw him to the ground, smashing his face against the tiles. 'I was getting my pager - it was buzzing,' he protested. The Secret Service let him go, and I resumed reading an article in a computer technology magazine about bandwidth.

Entry No. 1 - I talked to President Clinton today. He told me that in my convention speech, I should say that I am my own man, having nothing to do it with his indiscretions. I slowly wrote down, 'I am my own man,' and then handed the black lace bra back to the intern, whom President Clinton was counseling. She then left through the turnstile of the Oval Office.


Entry No. 2 - I got a call from Bill Clinton today, and he told me who I should pick for my vice president. I didn't recognize the name at first, but then my hard drive processed, and I realized that he was referring to Sen. No. 487-37-6543. I downloaded his file. He goes by the name of Lieberman, Joe – homo sapian. Bill said that it might help his wife Hillary in New York, who's just been accused of being an anti-Semite. How could anyone claim that someone in my family was an anti-Semite! We have lots of Jewish friends - take Monica Lewinsky. . .

Entry No. 3 - Convention approaching; poll numbers are down - feeling a little low on oil today. I put on my favorite movie to pick up my spirits - Tron. Bill Clinton called, and I wanted to talk, but he just asked for one of my daughter's pager numbers.

Entry No. 4 - Later, XY chromosome - No. 731-68-4892, code name - Tipper came into the family room to pick up my spirits. We watched Tron again. I said that I was worried about the convention. She had an idea. 'We need to show everyone that our relationship isn't as weird as the Clintons. Remember when Rick Rockwell kissed Darva Conagher on Who-Wants-to-Marry-a-Millionaire. How about, after you give your speech, we French kiss on national television. There's nothing like watching two out-of-shape, middle-aged people tonguing each other before a live television audience.'

Entry No. 5 - Practiced French kissing all night. At first my cool, green-tinted, type O, reptilian blood was repulsed by the much warmer blood pulsating through my beloved mammal. But in the end, it was all worth it, because she let me watch Tron again.

Entry No. 6 - I was beamed up to the mother ship of my people - Goretarians (pronounced phonetically). The mother ship is the Lufinus 4000 LX, which runs on a cleaner, reformulated ethanol-petrol mixture, which energize the solar panels. The search for renewable energy that protects both the environment and the new economy is why the Goretarians have come millions of light years to planet Earth.

Entry No. 7 - I met with my handler from MI-7. He was a scaly reptilian with a protruding forehead , who went by the name of James Carville (Secret Service name: The Swamp Thing). He advised me to include this in my convention speech: 'My name is Al Gore - I come from the Goretarians (pronounced phonetically). My people are on exodus from the planet of Zobart I, which is now uninhabitable because of the increase of greenhouse gases and those dirty right wing Congressional apes took over. I'm here to tell you that you have nothing to fear. Though we plan to take over your planet, use your very human bodies as hosts, and your progeny for fuel, we will in no way reduce your Social Security, Medicare, and Medicaid benefits and in fact we plan a 10% across the board increase in these programs.

Entry No. 8 - I was sitting at home today, and a nice young lady came to the door and offered to sell me six boxes of thin mint Girl Scout cookies for a reduced price of $15. I said that it sounded like a risky scheme and slammed the door in her face. What do we really know about this Girl Scout organization? Where do they get their money from? How many Diet Cokes could you buy for $15?