Sen. John Edwards – the J. Crew populist – just wants one-third of the votes and that his expenses be reimbursed

by Casey Flynn

Former Sen. John Edwards was giving a speech in a bowling alley in Iowa City, Iowa during league night.  Edwards gave his familiar populist stump speech, contending that corporate interests have "rigged" the political process against average Americans.  He received enthusiastic applauses especially when the applause line occurred after someone had just gotten a strike.
            During the question-and-answer period, Edwards was able to hear the concerns firsthand of average Americans.
            “Sen. Edwards,” an overweight man in his thirties wearing a loud Christmas sweater began, “I don’t have health insurance.  I was working at a factory using a nail gun when the nail gun accidentally went off and blinded me in my left eye.  I don’t now and did not then have health insurance and now I’ve got a $30,000 bill.  What am I going to do?”
            “Are you blind in that right eye?”  Sen. Edwards asked with great concern.
            “Totally blind.”
            “That’s a real tragedy.”  Sen. Edwards remarked, moving closer to the man to get a better look at his right eye.  “Did your place of employment make an incident report?”
            “I believe so.”
            “Did they provide you with goggles while you worked?”
            “No.”    
            “You weren’t drinking or using any drugs at the time?”
            “At most I had two beers and well I was taking my prescribed Oxycontin.”
            “At what time of the day was this?”
            The overweight man appeared to be remembering and then said, “Maybe ten in the morning?”
            “Are you still treating?”
            “Yes, I’m supposed to have another operation.”
            “Sir, did you know a high-velocity nail gun can drive a nail four inches into concrete, at a velocity of more than 1,000 feet per second?”  Sen. Edward said in a suddenly dramatic voice.  “And can fire up to nine nails per second at velocities as high as 1,400 ft. per second, that’s more fire power than an AK-47.”
            A hush came over the crowd.
            The overweight man’s good right eye bulged with astonishment.
            “I did not know that.”
            “Well you know who knew that, right?”  Sen. Edward said as he meaningfully regarded the overweight man. 
            The overweight man shook his head in the negative.
            “The International Staple, Nail, and Tool Association, more commonly known as ISANTA.  And you know who runs that?” 
            The crowd became quiet with anticipation with the exception that someone yelled out, “Strike,” followed by a smattering of applause. 
            “Halliburton and other corporations located in Communist China.  That’s who!  Who’s looking out for the little guy!  Not ISANTA.  They can tell you all they want that there is no such thing as ISANTA, but I’m here to tell you that ISANTA exists.   My paralegal uhm campaign worker will get the necessary information from you and we will go ahead and sign you up.”