George Bush's exit strategy for Iraq

By Casey Flynn

George Bush announced his exit strategy from Iraq. He's going to open up a Yahoo e-mail account: dubya43@yahoo.com password: Barney. He's then going to send an e-mail to Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki at shia-warrior@aljeezer.net, and cc all relevant parties like Moqtadaal Sadr@adultfriendfinder.com.

The e-mail will read as follows:

Malikister, what's up, my brother. Remember how I promised you that I would stay the course in Iraq as long as Barney my dog supports me. I have some very bad news, Barney resigned his position as Pet-in-Chief, citing for his reason wanting to spend more time with his family (he has 34 siblings) and has been replaced by a German Shepherd, named Realpolitik, that I got from James A. Baker III.

As a result of this and other changes in my administration, I have decided that you guys have six months to get your shit together because we are getting out.

Rowe did some polling and asked the American people the following: (1) should we stay the course in Iraq; (2) shift forces to Afghanistan, (3) relocate the American Army in Iraq to Aruba to look for Natalie Holloway, and while not looking, allow American forces to get some much-needed and deserved rest; or (4) move them away from Iraq and closer to a hard place.

67 percent chose the Aruba option No. 3 with the all-inclusive Sands resort and the scuba lesson package; 21 percent stated that they wanted to vote for Katharine McPhee (I didn't get the reference, but everyone in my cabinet laughed), 6 percent said Iraq, You rock, long time no hear; 17 percent went on in some detail about their personal problems, their challenges, their hopes, etc.; 4 percent asked what the caller was wearing, and whether the caller was wearing anything underneath that, this one guy in North Dakota said that he waited in line for over two hours to get his license plates renewed, only to find out that he had the wrong registration form; he went back to the mechanic to get the right registration form when his wife called from her work and said the power was out and they were not able to work and that she wanted to talk; he said he didn't have time to talk; she said that he never had time for her why did he never make time for her, or he thinks that she said that, because he saw the drive-thru of Krispy Kreme Donuts and the hot glaze donuts sign was lit, so he went thru the drive-thru and ordered the hot glazed donuts, but the glaze donuts were not hot as they had represented (redacted national security, in 50 years the rest of this can be read at the Bush presidential library).

I learned some interesting facts about Iraq from the "The Iraq Study Group Report" ($10.95), Vintage (December 6, 2006), 6 used & new from $4.98, amazon.com.

I learned that Iraq was granted independence in 1932 and it wasn't until 1979 that Saddam Hussein fully took the reins of power. The footnote source for this fact was a think tank called: wikipedia.com.. Though I now understand that there are rival factions in Iraq: the Kurds, the Sunnis, the Shias and the Ewoks, somehow you guys have been able to make it work since 1932 without us.

Or perhaps this thing will dissolve into a Civil War. We here in America had our own Civil War or, as it is now known, a re-enactment gone horribly wrong. And if there is a Civil War, I have no doubt - after dealing with you bloodthirsty lunatics - that heads will roll. But please don't let the United States or the United States Army stand in the way of you guys having it out like it is done on the stage of the Jerry Springer show, in the episode entitled: 'I'll fight for my transgender man!' The United States Armed Forces, much like Jerry Springer's bodyguards, can only do so much. And when the dust settles, the United Nations will show up and have the Security Council approve the wording of: 'Closing Thoughts.'

I recall that I told you that we would stay the course in Iraq because of my belief that we should 'Fight them there so we don't have to fight them here.' It occurred to me that Al Qaeda was not in Iraq in any significant way until after we invaded; if we left, maybe they would too. Second, we have discovered that Al Qaeda has been moving out of Iraq because of the instability and increase in sectarian violence and relocating to more stable locations like Afghanistan, Sierre Leone, the basement of their parent's palace in Saudi Arabia or Darfur.

Finally, I have had a change of heart regarding my belief that we should 'Fight them there so we don't have to fight them here.' Considering what a basket case Iraq is, maybe it would be better to fight them in say Kansas. We would have the home court advantage. Also, they might already be in Kansas, gathering in Al Qaeda cells a/k/a mosques. There wouldn't be a ton of books coming out that this White House does not understand the political and socioeconomic dimensions of the state of Kansas: you got your Jayhawk fans and you got your Wildcat fans; they have their issues, but they fight it out on the gridiron for the most part.