HAMAS WINS RESOUNDING ELECTION VICTORY

by Casey Flynn

Hamas won a huge majority in parliamentary elections as Palestinian voters rejected the longtime rule of the Fatah Party. The night of the election, Hamas leaders and party officials celebrated jubilantly by firing their weapons into the air, and in the excitement of the celebration, six suicide bombers accidentally went off.

When it was clear that Hamas would win the election, Israeli placed a call to the number three leader of Hamas to congratulate them on their victory. When the number three leader of Hamas answered the phone, it exploded, killing the number three leader of Hamas and the surrounding block of apartments. After this event, everyone in the Hamas organization moved one square forward. The new number three leader of Hamas, announced that Hamas is looking for a new cellular phone carrier and that they were going to look very suspicious at salesman who handed them free cellular phones with unlimited anytime minutes and ten free ring tones: Yusuf Islam aka Cat Stevens, 'Moonshadow' or his crossover hit, 'Tala'a al-Badru 'Alayna.'

Many Palestinians were surprised by the results of the parliamentary election, believing that the election was about what was their favorite side dish: Hummus or Feta.

The President of Iran, President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad (who strongly denies that he had anything to do with the U.S. Embassy hostage taking in Iran - his alibi: he was beating to death his then-girlfriend who he believed was flirting by wearing her veil too low and showing too much cheek), the President of Syria -- Bashar al-Assad (who himself was democratically elected against his main opponent: 'Other,' with 97.99 percent of the vote -- apparently the 2.01% of the vote that he did not receive is done to make the result seem more legitimate), the leader of North Korea, Kim Jong Il (from the Sundance film festival -- he's a huge film enthusiast), Venezuela President Hugo Chavez (the above listed leaders are all Myspace.com friends and share an MSN instant message account) all sent congratulations to leaders of Hamas on their victory. Additionally many e-mails of congratulations were sent from caves in Afghanistan, from members of the Saudi royal family, and from the likes of Sean Penn and Michael Moore.

Hamas campaigned on a slogan for the destruction of Israel; Hamas' campaign platform was for the destruction of Israel; upon winning the election, Hamas promised to bring about the destruction of Israel; now that they are in charge of the Parliament, Hamas' first bill that they intend to pass is for banning gay marriage.

Leaders of Fatah gave interviews with the press where they blamed their recent parliamentary losses on potential voter fraud. These interviews took place at their holiday homes on the French Riviera. Upon hearing the news of Hamas' victory, the extended family of Yasser Arafat interrupted their month long ski holiday in Switzerland with John Kerry and various European Royals and returned to their homes on the French Riviera.

Many believe that Palestinians didn't choose Hamas because they reject peace talks with Israel but rather because they were fed up with graft in the ruling Fatah Party and because Hamas as promised to destroy Israel. Apparently leaders of the Fatah Party received large sums of money from powerhouse lobbyist Jack Abramoff, in return for granting lucrative sand concessions to United States companies that are trying to build castles in Iraq in America's efforts to rebuild the infrastructure of that country.

Bush – who regards such things as nuance and complexities in the same way that an American high school student regards having to read Melville's Moby Dick when a new episode of Buffy is on the WB – is said to be reworking his foreign policy of, 'We-are-in-Iraq-to-advance-the-cause-of-democracy-in-the-Middle East.' Bush -- a man who loves Westerns -- has not been this flustered since he was sitting in a movie theater with Laura thinking that 'Brokeback Mountain' was a shoot-uhm-up until that one guy blurts out, 'God, I wish I knew how to quit you!'

Israel has waged a brutal five-year campaign to destroy Hamas and assassinate its top leaders, and as a result of this hard fought campaign, Hamas has gone from a radical home-grown insurgency to running the government of the Palestinian Authority, in an election promoted by the United States and supervised by Jimmy Carter. If the person who devised that campaign against Hamas was in the Bush Administration, do you know what would happen to that person, one-word: promotion.

Already European governments are demanding that Hamas leaders renounce their violent ideology. Hamas leaders say they won't renounce their violent ideology, and if they do, they will renounce violence the way that Yasser Arafat and Fatah renounced violence.

Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon is still in a coma from his ischemic stroke. Already the family of Sharon has filed a lawsuit in the federal court in the United States blaming his stroke on the fact that he had taken Vioxx in 2003.