The 'Less than perfect' Iraqi Elections
by Casey Flynn

Bush Administration officials are saying that the Iraqi elections that will take place on January 30, 2005 will be 'less than perfect.' What do they think took place in the 2000 presidential election in Florida, now that was 'less than perfect.' The only thing that was missing in Florida that the Iraqi elections will have was suicide terrorist bombers, turns out they were at flight school in Florida at the time. Sure, people will say, well at least the roads of Florida were not dangerous on election day. Don't kid yourself, those highways in Florida are like old people obstacle courses, very dangerous.

That election in Florida in 2000 was such a mess. Because of the butterfly ballot, Elderly Jewish people in Florida voted for Pat Buchanan when they were trying to vote for Franklin Roosevelt. And the recount, what a disaster! It's difficult to ascertain these elderly voters intent when they were all voting with the clapper.

Of course, Election Day in Iraq will be a tough; no doubt the phrase: 'Hanging Chad' will have a whole different meaning than in Florida in 2000.

Here is my survival guide for the Iraqi election. Look into the whole absentee voting route because perhaps the day of the election you might have a business trip planned - just poor planning on your part. If you do plan to vote, tell everyone you are going to vote straight party ticket, for the Radical Blind Clerics Jihadist party, you like their position on tort reform – if a doctor commits medical malpractice, your damages are limited to taking only one of his eyes.

In America, we say, you should vote, people died for your right to vote. In Iraq, on election day, they will no doubt say, you should vote, people died for your right to vote, twenty minutes ago, at the polling station right down the block there.

Voters will choose 275 members of a national assembly. Some of the parties, who are running in this election include:

- Islamic al-Dawa (Islamic fundamentalists).

- The log cabin Islamic al-Dawas

- Iraqi National Congress (exile group led by Ahmed Chalabi).

- Iraqi Islamic Party (Sunni)

- Iraqi Likud party

- Know-Nothing Party

- Supreme Council for the Islamic Revolution in Iraq (Shia).

- Death-to-anyone-who-votes-party (more of a coalition of lots of groups)

- Kurdish Democratic Party.

- The Legalize Hashish Party

- Patriotic Union of Kurdistan.

- The Green Party

- The Sand Party

The electoral register is based on the ration card list for the oil for food program

To avoid any suggestion of impropriety, George Bush appointed Congresswoman Katherine Harris to oversee the registration list because of her experience with elections in Florida as their Secretary of State.

The main task of the National Assembly will be to debate and approve a new constitution. No one is exactly sure what will be in the new constitution, but the preamble has been agreed upon: 'We the warring, ethnic groups in order to form a 'less than perfect' Union, establish Justice, insure domestic Tranquility -- Death to all Americans!!! [This clause was let in as compromise language with the jihadists in order to get their support for the Iraqi constitution] do ordain and establish this Constitution for the greater glory of Allah.'

On the whole, voters are expected to cast their ballot according to sectarian and ethnic divides. Shias, who are a majority in Iraq, are likely to back Shia parties, Sunni - the Sunni party, Kurds – the Kurdish party; the Islamic Jihadists - Hillary Clinton.

A leading Shia party is the provocatively named 'Supreme Council for the Islamic Revolution in Iraq.' I know absolutely nothing about this group, nor know as the proverbial saying goes, 'What they're selling.' But something tells me that we didn't topple Saddam Hussein, lose the lives of some of our finest Americans to have a group come to power in Iraq that is called, 'The Supreme Council for the Islamic Revolution in Iraq.' It will take ten Karl Rove to explain that one away.

Sunni representation is seen as the main concern. In an effort to do better in the upcoming election and reach out to Shia voters, Sunni candidates are changing their first name to ayatollah.

Conservative Islamic groups want to put a marriage initiative on the January 30th ballot in Iraq, which defines marriage as: an institution between a man and seven veiled women. More liberal Islamic groups want a marriage initiative on the ballot that defines marriage as: an institution between a man and a gay goat.

The U.S. military announced Wednesday that more than 35,000 American troops will be deployed on the streets of Baghdad on January 30. The main task of the 35,000 American troops stationed in Baghdad that day is to provide security for the 35,000 American troops stationed in Baghdad that day, so that none of the 35,000 American troops will get hurt.

Some members of the United Nations will oversee and help with the counting of ballots on election day in Iraq. Some Iraqi groups have pointed to this fact as evidence of Western control of the Iraqi elections, but U.N. officials stress that this is not the case and in fact to ensure that there will not be Western influence on the elections they plan on using Arabic numbers for counting the votes and will tally the ballots with an Arabic system of addition called arithmetic.