Osama bin Laden Jokes

by Casey Flynn

Two words: crazy eyes

1. These Islamic extremists, especially the ones in the past from Iran, wear these keys around their neck that will allow them to enter heaven upon committing and then dying in a terrorist act. Listen, I respect all religions and in fact believe that these extremists might be going to heaven if heaven is room 417 at the Holiday Inn just down from the ice machine.

2. I heard that the Fox studios had to be cleared out because they found a package in the mailroom with a white, powdery substance. Fortunately, it didn't turnout to be anthrax, and they were allowed to return to work. Later, Robert Downey Jr. appeared to collect the package.

3. Did you hear this, it turns out that the heavy metal group 'Anthrax' is ironically out on a tour during this scare. In a press conference, the group announced that they were not canceling their tour, and their fans had nothing to worry about because they were named after the cutaneous form of anthrax, which is very curable.

4. How do you know if America is bombing your foreign country?

A: American high school students have a detailed knowledge of your country's geography.

5. Osama bin Laden's pet peeves:

a. When he and his Taliban thug friends are torturing some Afghan for wearing his beard too long, someone reminds Osama that he owns stock in the Norelco Corp..
b. Getting mistaken for Yousef Islam (Cat Stevens).
c. Watching the international news on CNN to find out what the American government is up to when there is an interruption for a Barry Bonds' at bat for his then-quest for 70 home runs.

6. The CIA has just received $1 billion to go after Osama Bin Laden. They have been quick to act, just the other day they froze his Ameritrade account.

This is the Al-Jazeera Satellite Channel in the tiny Persian Gulf emirate of Qatar, which has been covering the crisis in Afghanistan, and as you can see it is casual Fridays.

7. What kind of Islamic religious fanatics are these people? Sometime before the bombing, a few of the hijackers were not just in a strip club; they actually got into a fight. What - did they get a lap dance in the direction of Mecca? Did they pay the strippers extra to put on veils as the Koran demands?

8. Al-Qaida, which is even a controversial scramble word in Arabic.

9. I have been watching these local television reports, detail the security lapses at American airports. In one example, a local reporter got through the baggage checkpoint a shotgun, a bomb, and a hunting knife. Damn, I thought, I can't even get my keys through without eventually having to rip them out of my pocket during a pat down.

10. The generosity of the American people is amazing. I was walking down the block from work and I gave a homeless person a dollar bill. He said, 'Thank you, 50 percent of today's proceeds will go to homeless people displaced by the World Trade Center bombing for alcohol.'

11. Is America ready for war?

After work, I was sitting at a bar with a friend, and we were watching a report on the possibility of fighting a land war in Afghanistan. While the screen showed the mountainous terrain, a reporter underscored that America would have to do something quickly because by mid-October, these mountains would be covered in eight feet of snow. "Dude," my friend said, "I like to take my snow board there and try out those mountains."

At the Art Institute of Kabul, Osama Bin Laden explained his piece of modern art, done in the Jackson Pollock tradition, which he calls, "Jihad Deco".

12. The other day, the Pentagon reported that our planes took out the command control center of the Taliban military; the Pentagon official stressed that it will take a week or more for the Taliban to rebuild that tent. In addition, the Pentagon reported that the main street of Kabul is lined with rubble. So the Pentagon official continued, 'So it didn't seem necessary to begin bombing it.'

13. Limited dosages of the anthrax vaccine

Health care officials in the Centers for Disease Control (“CDC”) announced guidelines for the distribution of the anthrax vaccine that is in limited supply. The guidelines are as follows:

a. Health care officials.
b. Health care officials' relatives.
c. Health care officials' friends.
d. Health care officials' servants.
e. Health care officials' pets.
f. Everyone else.

14. I heard that Bill Maher of 'Politically Incorrect' is having a hard time because of comments he made about how American policy has been in effect cowardly in dealing with Osama bin Laden. Unfortunately he has been canceled by several local ABC affiliates; the good news is, however, he's been picked up by Al-Jazeera, IBN (Iran Broadcast News), and a public access station in Libya.

15. Flight schools

What is wrong with these flight schools? When they interviewed the head of one of these flight schools after the World Trade Center bombing, he said matter-of-factly that they simply followed their regulations and didn't think anything was wrong with these individuals. Does one of their regulations read: our policy is to accept Arabic-looking man, who pay in small, unmarked bills, and only want to learn how to fly horizontally?

16. Retribution

After the World Trade Center bombing, I went to a rally in downtown St. Louis. A radio talk-show host began quoting the Bible at length, Luke chapter and verse says, Vengeance will be mine', and our cause is moral, and it is just to wipe the terrorist off the face of the Earth . . .

If you replace 'terrorist' for 'America' and the 'Bible' for the 'Koran', I sort of think this is how the problem started in the first place.