politics

Bill Clinton's Legacy

By Casey Flynn

1. Old furniture from the Los Alamos lab can be found in an office waiting room of the Red Chinese Military headquarters in Peking.

2. VIN card readers in the Lincoln bedroom; the neon flash of 'vacancy' streaking out along the Rose Garden lawn; during public tours of the White House, tourists are asked by strangers in bath robes: 'Where's the ice machine?'

3. Woody Allen and Roman Polanski are given more slack. (Roman Polanski's allegation of statutory rape did not affect his public performance in his much acclaimed direction of 'Chinatown'.)

4. In 2045, the National Archives will release the Lewinsky Gap Dress - still unwashed for reasons of historical preservation.

5. Now that we have had a president from Arkansas, the old stereotypes of Arkansan that they're all a bunch of sleazy, hillbilly, trailer park-raised, sexually promiscuous, has been forever uhm . . . uhm . . .

6. Next time the conservatives show up at the public school library, wanting to burn or ban this book or that, point out that they have a leather-bound, gold-trimmed copy of the Starr report, at home on their shelves next to the King James' version of the Bible and an autographed copy of a Rush Limbaugh book.

7. Next time the conservatives want to blast Hollywood for 'Def Comedy Jam', Jerry Springer, and the posterior nudity and adult content of NYPD Blue, tell them to turn their cannons on the religious right, who threw their vehicle Ken Starr, turned the local news and such staid programs as the News Hours with Jim Lehrer, into the following: 'Well if Mr. Clinton was receiving oral sex, but the deponent never touched Ms. Lewinsky, now there is an accusations that he fondled her breasts but in the definition of sex, variation two, accepted by Judge Wright . . .'

8. You can't say 'intern' anymore in public without hearing a murmur of low-level, lascivious giggles including such usage as: 'His body was interned in the crypt.'

9. Before Clinton and the various soft money scandals of the Republican and Democratic National Committees, soft money - I always thought - was paper money, and hard money - it seems reasonable - was coins. Now it turns out that there's actually a distinction based on something else, between soft and hard money, and some Democrats and Republicans have gone to jail for failing to see this distinction. For instance, Gore was accused of raising soft money on White House property when he should have walked across the street to some nonfederal, non-Indian burial grounds to do this type of fund-raising. Why? I don't know, and I expect that the actual distinction between hard and soft money, is not unlike the difference between the dark and light side of the force in Star Wars, that is, something that has to do with made-up, science-fiction, codified into federal regs. and statutes, and something that is entirely fabricated by lawyers.

10. Changing definition of political greatness:

Winston Churchill

- Valiantly served in the British army.
- Dyslexic, went on to win the Nobel Prize for literature.
- Wrote two paragraphs speeches that put chills in the spine and engendered courage in a frightened populace. ('We shall never surrender . . .')
- Through his political genius, helped to defeat Hitler and the Nazi threat.
- Came up with the intellectual framework of the containment policy that eventually destroyed the Soviet Union.

Bill Clinton

- Above Average IQ, doesn't remember receiving his draft notice during time of war in a sleepy small town of Arkansas; in doubt on the meaning of 'is'.
- Laundry-list, Brenzhev-era, politburo-style, state-of-the-union speeches, while in the window of the television, there is shown the courtroom awaiting the civil verdict in the O.J. Simpson case. Each program suggested has this common thread: if an Afrocentric, Naderite feminist and a right-wing, Buchananite racist are sitting in the same room they will both be compelled to say, after hearing the suggestion, 'Yeah that sounds pretty reasonable.'
- Using his political genius, masterfully got his way out of self-created problems; renowned for his skill of counseling emotionally disturbed 21-year-olds.
- Wears boxers.

11. Some of the wonderful people who the Clintons introduced us to:

- James Carville. The Rag'n Cajun. Secret Service name: The Swamp Thing. As a trivia side note, he was a child actor, and was wonderful as the banjo player in 'Deliverance.' Apparently he took elocution lessons from Keith Richards.

- Susan McDougal - She's already signed a deal to make a film about her ordeal with Ken Starr. It's called 'Chained Heat 3: The Susan McDougal story.' It is being done by the USA network original film series. Don't get me wrong I like Susan McDougal and if I ever met a woman like that, say behind the counter of a Wal-Mart, and she tried to strike up a conversation with me, I might reply or even take her telephone number, but I doubt I would take that next essential step and enter into a limited liability corporation to develop real estate with her.

- James McDougal. Perhaps this man is a window to how Arkansas works: Taught at a four-year Arkansas college, yet didn't have a college degree. Married a cheerleader at the same college. Loses over $300 million of taxpayers money in a Savings and Loan, which he is the president of, yet still doesn't have a college degree. His cheerleader wife is involved in business decisions. Familiar with this resume, Bill Clinton decides to go into business with the McDougals to develop real estate in Whitewater.

- Paula Jones. To quote Norm McDonald, 'Who really is the victim here?'

- George Stephanopoulos. 'No, don't hold back, tell us more about your bipolar depression.'

- Gennifer Flowers. And of course, the set would not be complete without the weather girl from the local television station.

12. One of the two presidents in our history to be impeached, though if you want to learn about it whether now or later in school, instead of finding it in the history books, you will have to send $19.95 for a copy of the tape to: Jalapeno Pepper Productions, Adult Entertainment Video, P.O. Box 1321, Van Nuys CA. 63071.

13. No longer president, the bite imprint on his lower lip can heal up.

14. A final assessment, kept Greenspan, signed NAFTA, maintained the safety net of Medicaid and Medicare, though failed to reform it, and more than likely didn't kill Vince Foster. B/B+.