politics

Clintons won't get security deposit back because of property damage to the White House
by Casey Flynn

It's nice to know that the Clintons left the White House with all the care and concern typically shown by college students, leaving a year-long rental after determining that they probably wouldn't get their security deposit back. Jokezine.com's Washington bureau chief Busby Woodward, the nephew-once removed of Bob Woodward and heir to the Krazy-Glue fortune, reported that Clinton staffers were stealing towels from Air Force One. This behavior is reminiscent of the Griswold's from the 'Vacation' movies. Busby Woodward has documented other offenses in the Clintons' final days.
1. Ripping the Ws out of keyboards.
2. Leaving the beds unmade.
3. Didn't take out the trash.
4. Ordered pornographic movies on Spice without paying for them.
5. Left Microsoft operating system curiously unstable.
6. Left Vince Foster's body just lying around the Oval office, so if someone wasn't looking, they could've tripped over it.
7. Wallpapered pornographic pictures to the computer screens. (In fairness, those were the normal Clinton-approved screensavers for the White House.)
8. Didn't pick up newspapers in front lawn for the last three years. (Who actually out there reads any suburban journal?)
9. The above-ground pool that the Clintons had installed in the Rose Garden was tinged-yellow from the collecting leaves and crushed beer cans.
10. Left Roger Clinton in the above-ground pool that the Clintons had installed in the Rose Garden.11. Bill and Monica wrote names and 'love forever' in wet concrete, near statute of George Washington.

It's not just the Clintons, but I think in the past, certain leaders on both sides of the aisle have forgotten that the people - not the present occupying politicians - hold the lease on the federal government

Thankfully United States doesn't have a Winter Palace or Versailles, but some white house that the taxpayers subsidize to keep it up to code, so the duly-elected one-of-us will have free public housing during their four-year term. I've always thought the taxpayer should get together and hire a cranky old man to work in the White House.

'Yeah, I know, but when you leave the room, shut off the god-damned lights!' cried out, the curmudgeonly ombudsman - his official cabinet title.

I could imagine him during the oppressive humidity of the D.C. summer storming into the oval office to open up the window.

The President's aghast.

'You're not shutting off the air conditioning? I've got an important meeting with my environmental advisor.'

'Don't worry kido, I bought this old window AC unit at a flea market down on Connecticut Ave., so I'm gonna open up this window and put this thing in, duct tape it off, and then close all the door to the Oval Office, so you're gonna be cool in here. Then I can shut the AC off for the rest of the house, okay?'

'But it's gonna get hot in the rest of the house? The heat index is 110 with the humidity. This is summer in DC!'

'Yes, but are using the rest of the house?'

'Well, no - but . . .'

'But nothing, not another word out of you, I'm paying the bills around here. You know, out of all of my Presidents, you're the laziest - most worthless of all - with the exception of maybe Harding.'

'But it will be too hot to sleep upstairs at night up in my room.'

'Don't worry, at that flea market I also bought you a nice cot and sleeping bag, so you can sleep in here with this nice air conditioning unit.'

The President shook his head dismally.

'But I like my own bed.'

'Hey for the last time get your god-damned feet off that desk, one more nick on that antique, and you're not going get your security deposit back.'

'That's it, I'm gonna get my own place.'

'That's so like you, just stab your old man in the back. You wouldn't be here without the blood and sweat of this country's old man. Don't bother showing up for dinner tonight.'

Later that night, the President goes into the kitchen for a little late-night snack. As he opens up the milk, he feels a tap on his shoulder.

'What are you doing, Mr. President?'

'I'm just having a glass of milk?'

'What you doing Mr. President?'

'What?'

'What was Abraham Lincoln's first rule about the White House kitchen? Don't open the second milk before the first milk is finished.'

'But that milk is almost finished, so it's down to the bottom, so it's gross.'
'I'm gonna sit here until you drink it.'