Picture below of Rumsfeld greeting newly-trained Iraqi Security Forces

Rumsfeld's Press Conference with American Soldiers

by Casey Flynn

Donald Rumsfeld is a man that has only known success, Illinois Congressman, youngest Secretary of Defense under President Gerald Ford from 1975 to 1977; and successfully obtained the approval from the FDA for the artificial sweetener aspartame, now known as NutraSweet and used in diet soft drinks, when many thought this was impossible. Nevertheless, as evidenced by his last press conference in Iraq the former whiz kid of the Ford administration has come on hard times.

During his press conference with army soldiers, National Guard soldier Thomas Wilson asked Rumsfeld, 'Why do we soldiers have to dig through trash cans or go foraging around the countryside to find food because the Army food is so bad?'

Shouts of approval and applause arose from other soldiers who had assembled in an aircraft hangar to see Rumsfeld.

Rumsfeld replied: 'As you know, you go to war with the army food you have. This is not the army food you might want or wish to have at a later time.'

Another national guardsman asked Rumsfeld, 'I have noticed that most of the regular army and the higher brass drive around in fully armored humvees. However, the group of national guardsmen that I'm with is driving around in a fairly beat up Ford Aerostars. Why can't this army have properly armored vehicles for going north?'

'I have no idea what you're talking about, we've got 10,000 fully armored vehicles right over there … oh wait I'm sorry that's a mirage.'

Rumsfeld promised that the Army was already quickly moving to correct the problem. The Pentagon opened an eBay account to buy them body armor to up armor their vehicles.

Rumsfeld was then asked by another National Guards man whether he really understood and empathized with the difficulties on a human level the American soldiers were having in Iraq, and weren't more troops and support what these American forces needed? Rumsfeld merely responded that we did not need more green army soldiers in Iraq, and that the generals in this theater of war were satisfied with present numbers.

When asked whether there was a backdoor draft by one of the recently enlisted national guardsmen Larry Jenkins, Rumsfeld responded that there was not and that he was proud to say that we were on all volunteer force. It was later discovered that the press planted this question with Larry Jenkins for him to ask. Larry Jenkins, who was last involved in major combat while serving in the Battle of the Bulge, regretted that he asked the question.

The one question that seemed to give Rumsfeld pause came from a lieutenant colonel who said that many of the soldiers in his unit are having trouble receiving all the pay due them, causing problems for their families back home who are being pestered by collection agencies.

Hearing these complaints, Rumsfeld promised that all soldiers in Iraq were going to get a pay increase of three more bushels of wheat and two canteens of water a month. When a third soldier, from the Idaho Army National Guard, complained that Guard units were being issued 'antiquated' equipment inferior to that given to regular Army units, Rumsfeld said that the Army is trying to be equitable but that somebody has to get the older gear.

The Idaho Army National Guard man also complained that he wasn't being given enough gunpowder for his musket

A 34-year-old female National Guard soldier, Margret Tierney, who has three kids, and cannot leave Iraq because of Rumsfeld's stop loss asked whether it was true that there was a report servicing that the stop loss orders would not be ended, and why was this the case?'

'Reports that say that something hasn't happened are always interesting to me, because as we know, there are known knowns; there are things we know we know. We also know there are known unknowns; that is to say we know there are some things we do not know. But there are also unknown unknowns -- the ones we don't know we don't know.'

Mr. Tierney further asked, 'So will the Army rescind its stop loss orders?'

'If I said yes, that would then suggest that that might be the only place where it might be done which would not be accurate, necessarily accurate. It might also not be inaccurate, but I'm disinclined to mislead anyone.'

After taking questions from the troops, Rumsfeld sat down for dinner with the soldiers and told them that he was just a regular guy like them trying to do right for the people of Iraq and give them a chance at democracy. When asked what he thought about the army food, Rumsfeld's food taster said he thought it was pretty good. Curiously during his various meals with American soldiers, he kept requesting that his diet soda be replaced with regular soda and as well told soldiers that you might want to do the same because … uhm … of dehydration in the desert.

Later, Rumsfeld took questions from the press and said that he was very optimistic about having successful elections in Iraq.

The common breakdown of the Iraqi population--55 percent Shiite Arab, 20 percent Sunni Arab, 20 percent Kurd, and 5 percent Turkoman/Christian Arab.

In an effort to do better in the upcoming election and reach out to Shi'ite voters, Sunni candidates are changing their first name to ayatollah. Conservatives Islamic groups want to put a marriage initiative on the January ballot in Iraq, which says that marriage is: an institution between a man and seven veiled women.

In addition to Rumsfeld's controversial statements to American forces, another furor was caused by allegations that he was using a mechanical machine to sign his name on letters of condolence to relatives of soldiers killed in Iraq and Afghanistan. Actually this is really unfair to Mr. Rumsfeld; he was not using a mechanical machine to do those signatures, he personally signed those letters of condolence himself; it's just that he is a mechanical machine.

A lot of people are surprised that Don Rumsfeld has not been fired for his mishandling of the war in Iraq that has led to so many American casualties. What people forget it is that Don Rumsfeld is a government worker, kinda hard to lose one of those jobs, takes a little bit more than mishandling a war in a foreign country to get fired from a government job.