1. - Wow, you've got a really hot younger sister.
2.
- Where do you live?
- Well it's a nice place, the rent is cheap, the only drawback is, usually at night you've got to pay a Mexican kid a few bucks, so that your car won't get stolen.
3.
- What's wrong?
- Well, I can't tell for sure, I'm just eyeballing, but I think I'm within 100 feet of my old girlfriend. We better move to the cafe across the street, or she might call the cops.
- Did it end badly?
- Not really, she's just the litigious type.
4. The waiter comes by.
- Could I have another Diet Coke?
- And for you, sir?
- Are there free refills on soda?
- Uhm . . .no.
- Then I'll just take an ice water.
5.
- So I have to know this, are you the type of person who listens, or the type of person who's just waiting to get in the next word edgewise?
- Well there are people who listen, and others who try to get in the next word, but I'm more the type of person who waits for the thousands of maddening voices in my head who are shouting amongst themselves about what to say next to die down . . . uhm . . . how's that refill on your Diet Coke?
6.
- Well, I'm a little upset because I lost my job today.
- 0h really, well you're just in luck because I know all the little tricks of how to fill out those unemployment benefit forms.
- You've been on unemployment?
- I walk into the office, and everyone cries out, 'Norm'.
- But on your dating service form, it says that you're a venture capitalist?
- I once had an adventure in Annapolis.
- Huh?
- Well I did take my $337 out of my passport checking account and founded jokezine.com.
- What the hell is that?
- Uhm . . . uhm . . . did I mention that you've got a really hot younger sister?
7.
- So you still live with your parents?
- Yes, but it's better now because I got my own phone line.
- How old are you?
- 34.
- Let me see your driver's license. (She checks it) According to your birthday, it says that your 43.
- Using Arabic numerals?
- Yes.
- Well actually I'm 34, that was just my fake i.d. that I used to get into bars when I was 11.
- (Persistently) On your dating form - you put 34, and I only wanted to go out with guys between 30-35, so by writing 34, you lied?
- Uhm . . . uhm . . . I'm dyslexic.
She angrily takes a long drink from her diet coke.
- You know, if you sip it slowly, it will last longer.
8.
- Well, would you consider yourself a feminist?
- Well I don't think that women should have the right to vote, but past that I'm a feminist.
9.
- Sir, would you like to buy a rose for the lovely lady?
- How much are they?
- Three dollars.
- How much for that one, with the brown-tinged petals?
- For you, since you are with such a lovely lady, I cut you a deal two dollars.
- How 'bout $1.50?
- $1.90.
- $1.55 - no higher?
- $1.70.
- $1.78.
- $1.68.
- Tricked ya, $1.57 - final offer?
- Deal?
- (To your date) a rose for a rose.
10. - And then, you're not gonna believe this, but we're about to sign the contract and you know what, that Larry -
- -- Would you shut up for a god-damned minute about your day, I'm trying to eat my dinner in peace without you yapping . . . . . .0h, I'm sorry that's things that you're allowed to say on the 27th date. . .
