Madonna has Bastard Christened
by Casey Flynn

In the 13th century Scottish Donnoch cathedral, Madonna and surrogate father, Guy Ritchie, had their son, Rocco, christened. The child (check picture) was warmly clothed in a jump suit with rabbit ears to conceal his birth defect horns that apparently come from Madonna's side of the family.

In the ceremony, a priest from the Scottish church read a passage from Isaiah on the importance of love and parenting, then read a passage from Madonna's book 'Sex' on auto-erotic asphyxiation. Madonna's publicist tried to take down some unauthorized pictures of Madonna in the church, but the pastor of the cathedral persuaded the publicist that those were pictures of a different Madonna.

During the baptism, when the holy water was sprinkled on the young child's head, faint plumes of smoke arose. According to the altar boy, Angus MacTavish, 'De fire came from the small wee bundle, kilbit wee Sean Connery, hagis, but the wee fellow was fine.

Upon leaving the cathedral, the paparazzi - a very difficult word to spell - swarmed Madonna and her baby. Madonna was worried about the safety of her child because of the media frenzy, but fortunately she was able to rush into her limousine, where four muscular man - immersed in baby oil and heavy metal chains were waiting to have group sex with her. Guy Ritchie was able to catch the cross town bus back to their hotel.

A 40-year-old Single Mother Gets Married

The next day, at a dank, cold, and haunted Scottish Castle, Madonna married Guy Ritchie. When asked whether she would take Ritchie's last name, Madonna pointed out that she doesn't have a last name.

Mike Jones, guy Ritchie's best friend from third-grade, served as an usher for the wedding. Though it has been nearly impossible to get pictures of the actual ceremony, Mike Jones has suggested to some media outlets that they should look for pictures of the wedding at MikeJones,guyRitchie'sbestfriendfromthird-grade,whoservedasanusherforthe wedding.com .

In the actual ceremony, the close family of both Madonna and Guy Ritchie were present. Lourdes - now four years old - was present, but her father Carlos Leon - a certified personal trainer – couldn't make it because his step aerobics class went too late, and he missed his Southwest Airlines flight.

Rosie O'Donnell was one of Madonna's friends who showed up. Apparently Rosie is thinking about giving up her talk-show and going to law school. Law school, does she feel that she's not hated enough? She wants to dedicate herself with helping parents to adopt, and she has been out promoting her new book: 'The Gypsy guide to Adopting Eastern European Kids'.

Perhaps the most interesting piece of gossip to come out of the Madonna wedding was Jennifer Anniston's decision not to show up. It turns out that Madonna's maid of honor was Gweneth Paltrow, the ex-girlfriend of Brad Pitt. Jennifer Anniston refused to let Brad Pitt or herself go to the wedding, instead she made Brad weed the front garden of their house and then go with her shopping, so they could get out a new couch for their television room. Jokezine.com has sent Mr. Pitt a copy of the Time/Life series, 'Nagging Jewish Wives', volume 1: 'Reasons why you can't leave the House,' followed by, 'Sending Food Back', and for a limited time offer, 'Problems with the Colored Help and Stealing'.

Of the notable celebrities, Sting was prominent especially since he was a close friend of Guy Ritchie. Sting - since leaving the Police - has dedicated his broad range of musical talent to adult contemporary jazz. He has made quite a repetition for himself in the music department of Nassau community college, not far from his adopted home of Manhattan. He is also the leader of one of the most successful adult contemporary jazz trios that performs every Thursday night at the Borders cafe in Long Island, just down from the science-fiction writing group. On weekends, he works as a celebrity lookalike, getting hired to portray Billy Idol.

Members of the media have openly questioned whether this marriage will work. But it should be pointed out that Madonna has an IQ of around 140 when the average IQ is near 100. We know that she has a high IQ because she has so revealed, and what else but a 140 IQ could explain the genius behind her script selection in the choice of 'Desperately Seeking Susan' and 'Shanghai Surprise'.

Of course Guy Ritchie is the acclaimed film director of 'Lock, Stock, and Two- Smoking barrels,' which went straight-to-video. Sources close to the Ritchie-Madonna camp (Mike Jones) have let it be known that after the honeymoon, they'll begin working on a film together. Tentative title: 'Shanghai Surprise II.'