Discoveries Announced at the Conference
by Casey Flynn

1. Original draft of the Second Amendment:

The right of people to keep and bear arms shall not be abridged, by keeping and bearing arms we mean the right to own a musket that can be altered by sawing off the barrel, adding a new trigger device, and a clip of bullets, so you can go back to the candle factory where you work and fire in a semiautomatic fashion at your various coworkers because your boss didn't give you full-time status with benefits like dental (wood teeth).

2. Requirements to be President

- 35 years-of-age.
- A natural born citizen.
- Willing to work Friday nights.
- Third-grade education with the curriculum based solely on horticulture and Greek.
- Knows how to caulk a log cabin and do wood-burning 3.0.
- Nice penmanship or can do calligraphy or HTML.

3. A criminal defendant has a Sixth Amendment right to effective council of defence, and defence is not spelled with an 's' for reasons that can only be explained in a Masonic Temple. By effective council, we mean a guy in a corduroy jacket with plether elbow pads, who - while arguing points of law with the prosecutor is prone to say, 'C'mon, that wasn't on the bar, was it?", decorates his public defender's office with his Leggo sculptures, and during closing arguments, has been known to rap on a drum like a Beatnik poet, while chanting, "Not guilty," believing that a jury trial is either won or loss on the Jungian subconscious level.

4. A person has a Seventh Amendment right to a jury in a civil trial and that person's guilt or innocence is to be determined solely on how it will effect the juror's book or pamphlet deal.

5. The Eighth Amendment prohibition of cruel and unusual punishment. By cruel and unusual punishment we expressly exclude the times when Ben Franklin hooks a key to a kite, raises it into a stormy sky, catches a bolt of electricity; the string then conducts the electricity down to a chair, where it flows into various metallic conduction points and fries the convict, who was delinquent in paying his ale bill at a local tavern, but it does include having to where a polyester blend orange jump suit during the spring fashion season.

7. Original draft of the Declaration of Independence: We hold these truths to be self-evident that all men are created equal, my men, we mean white Anglo-Saxon property owners (over 400 acres), and are educated at either Harvard, Princeton, William and Mary and (maybe Yale), and are members of the Masons who have achieved the fourth level of the order of Zoraster, and have undergone the purification ceremony where we sucked the blood of the brethren in honor of the high priestess of Nesferatu.

8. We intend for Congress to regulate relations among the Indian tribes, as well as to steal all their money, land, and personal property, then put this stolen, accumulated money in a bank account and let it collect interest for 200 years, and then go to the Mohawk Casino and Scalping Lounge, next to their ceremonial burial grounds, just overlooking the interstate in upper state New York, and put it all on red 42, spin the roulette wheel and after Chief Places-Foot-on-Pedal-to-Stop-Wheel does his bit, watch it all go back to the Indians plus interest.

9. The Constitution shall be amended whenever two-thirds of both houses shall deem it necessary, oh by the way the Constitution shall never be amended to allow women the right to vote.

10. The impeachment grounds of the Constitution do not include when a President lies about sex with an intern in a civil case, but it does include when a President spends more than five minutes on the phone with a Girl in her early 20s, discussing what's new in her day.

11. A person shall not be deprived of life, liberty, and property without due process of law, and by property we expressly include the times that you leave your horse-and-carriage in front of City Hall for like 30 seconds, so you can in and drop off some canned fruit for the homeless. And when you return, you find a five sixpence and two bit traffic ticket, which is like no big deal. But then like twelve days pass by, and you forget to pay it, and it doubles plus court costs. And then you're delivering a casserole to your infirmed grandmother, who lives downtown, and a meter maid in a tripartite hat puts a boot on your carriage wheel. Next thing you know, they've put a hitch on your horses, dragged them, and impounded them in the (DHV) Department Horse-driven Vehicles. You walk down to pick it up, and they demand three dollars, and you explain that the 1788 Kelly Bluebook Value of your carriage is only 1.80.

12. Houses should be protected from unreasonable searches, and no warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, unless you're dealing with a witch, in which case you can break down the door into her home, brandishing crucifixes, smash all the windows, drop her in a choke hold to the floor, and warn, if she gives anyone the evil eye, they will be compelled to use deadly force. Since the anonymous informant (the ex-boyfriend of the alleged witch who stood him up to go out with a proper loyalist, who actually owned his own boots) told them that the demon spirits lives in a small figurine, the agents made a point to break every movable object in the place. They ripped out the thatch in her roof, seized her broom stick (potential getaway vehicle), and arrested her black cat (accomplice). They brought her downtown and put her in a lineup for identification, with a carrot for a nose, a black hat, and surrounded by five plain-looking Puritan girls.

13. An anti-federalist had scribbled down this remark: - I think that we're going to find that taxation with representation has all the problems inherent in taxation without representation, absent the really good excuse for not paying them because of the lack of representation.

14. We propose that the judicial power of United States shall be vested in one Supreme Court Jester, and in such inferior court jesters. It is noted that Benjamin Franklin breaks in at this point. "Would the delegates from the state of New York from the Catskills district refrain from wasting our time with their silly proposals . . ."

Original Draft of the Constitution Found
by Casey Flynn

Historians from some of the best directional state universities (Southeast Missouri State at Cape Girardeau) and community colleges met in Philadelphia over the weekend to present papers on some primary source documents of original proposals to the Constitutional Convention in 1789 as well as some newly found rough drafts of the Declaration of Independence. (Jefferson re-did his third draft of the Declaration of Independence because he found two comma slices, a run-on sentence, and he forgot the 'u' in color - just an example of one of the papers presented at the conference.)

In 1995 in a hemp-clothing shop in Philadelphia, the proprietors of the shop - Loon Unit, Esq. and Charity found a secret door in their root cellar in the basement of their shop. Here, they uncovered dust-covered rolls of hemp leaves. They invited over the historical group that they belong to - the Sons and Daughters of the American Revolution Hemp-planters Preservation Group for the Legalization of Marijuana (SDARHPGLM).

They lowered the blinds, lit incense, and tested the historical validity of this sample of hemp. All they were exchanging free verse poetry, it occurred that words were written on the pieces of hemp. During revolutionary times, hemp was used as paper.

One of their members, a historian who teaches and works as a guidance counselor at a local community college and guest lecturer at Rikers Island Great Professor series, suspected that they had primary source documents that dated from the revolutionary period. He held the documents up to the candlelight and began to read. He immediately ascertained that he had original proposals for the Bill of Rights that the anti-federalist wanted to include in the Constitution.

He read to the group: "The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, and to partake - without government interference - in marijuana which is the flowering top of the female hemp . . ."

He turned towards his friend and asked, "Hey Dale - give me the other half of that piece of paper, I think it might have on it something that might help us."
Giggling, he replied, "I'm smoking it, man."
"That was a primary source historical document!"
"Is that what the kids are calling it today, groovy."

Fortunately portions that were not smoke, some with half burnt edges, were put in plastic zip lock bags, and then in a shoe box. They were then shipped and placed under the bed of eminent historian, Arthur Schlesinger, Jr. at Harvard University.

After five years of intense research using numerous universities, historians met at the Liberty Hall Holiday Inn in Philadelphia, in the large conference hall next to the holidome. The historians made use of the far end of the hall; the front end was occupied with a starving artist sale, which include the works of Tony Curtis, Martin Mull, and PBS's Ross. Check next article for conference findings.