24-hour School Shooting Channel
(contact your local cable operator to get this channel)
They shoot
We report
You decide
Tonight on O'Reilly: The Battered Nerd Syndrome Defense with Mayor Guilliani and Allen Dershowitz and Erkel.
by Casey Flynn
Rupert Murdoch announced that Fox News will partner with A.O.L. Time-Warner to launch a new Fox News network dedicated 24-hours a day to school shootings. The program director for the new Fox station, Matt Brill, announced the name of the new network the Fox School-Shooting channel, F.S.C., and the launch date which will be at the end of the month.
Presently Fox is in negotiation with Ryan Peterson who presently owns the rights to Foxschool-shootingchannel.com, f.s.c.com, foxschool-shooting-channel-sucks-big-time.com for the rights to those domain names. This afternoon, Ryan read a statement rejecting the initial offer of $600,000 before returning to his fourth grade phonics class.
Matt Brill explained that the main purpose behind this 'new channel F.S.C. is educational without any political agenda.' To support this contention, he gave F.S.C.'s motto: 'They shoot, We report, You decide.'
An AP reporter countered this assertion.
'Isn't it true that the N.R.A. is going to have advertising on this channel?'
'That's not correct,' Matt explained, 'they'll be running advertisement on our show 'Crossfire' where we debate various aspects of school shooting, but not for the NRA, but rather for safety and educational programs for guns, Saturday night specials semi-automatic weapons, katushka rocket launchers, flame-throwers, etc.'
'So there's not a tilt to the N.R.A. and Second Amendment rights?'
'Fox News is fair and balanced . . . and armed.'
F.S.C.
Fair and Balanced and Armed
Here's a sampling of some of the new aspects of F.S.C..
Educational:
No one has ever stormed into their high school, armed to the teeth, looking to take out the treasurer of the physics club or the effeminate tenor of the Gilbert-Sullivan society. F.S.C. has a safety guide for cheerleaders, jocks, and the hip, exclusive club kids. Included in this safety guide are disguises like the following:
- science nerd: pocket protector, thick glasses, dandruff, Star Wars or Trek books.
- Goth: black mascara, more black mascara, cape.
- homely shy girl: braces, self-applying pimples, heavy wool clothing.
Playing Dead: F.S.C. has hired some Viet Cong consultants to teach tricks on how to play dead or leave booby-traps for the incoming gunmen. For instance, two years ago in Ho Chi Minh City, Thihn Nguyen, a disgruntled 12-year-old, and an avid devotee of Marilyn Manson, stormed into his school with an AK-47. As he was turning into the cafeteria, he stepped on a twig. This triggered a catapult, which had sharpened-bamboo fastened to its head, to drive through his torso, disarming the gunmen. While the students made this booby-trap, the other 340 students in the school had successfully tunneled out to safety using only their number two pencils.
Hard-hitting journalism:
F.S.C also intends to turn a critical eye to past school-shootings and examine the mistakes that were made, so they can be avoided in the future.
The swat team at Columbine. These are some of the actual quotes taken from members of the swat team:
- 'We couldn't go into the high school because there were armed gunmen inside.'
- 'It was our protocol to wait for the necessary backup before we could enter the high school.'
- 'It was unclear about how many gunmen there were inside.'
Was the swat team recruited from a pool of people that consisted of Woody Allen's relatives? In each of the above cited quotes, it sounds like Woody Allen saying neurotically, 'Are you crazy, I can't go in there, there's people with guns.' Where's the half-cocked suicidal ex-navy seal to lead the swat team? Chances are he couldn't pass the mandatory drug test or get two good referrals. Instead we have soccer dads with mortgages with tickets to that night's Colorado Rockies game, waiting outside for four hours - and for most of that time, the two gunmen were dead. Later, on 60 Minutes II, they not only defended their conduct, but claimed that they followed their procedure. In fact, it turns out that they did. On page 72 of their manual, regulation 6.124, the swat team is required to sit out in a parking lot, in bulletproof vests fully armed - trained and paid to take out gunmen in just this situation, and eat hot pockets and chalupas and listen to Jimmy Buffett on classic '70's rock radio, while defenseless teenagers unarmed, untrained, without bulletproof vests - some shot and bleeding, are inside with the gunmen.
Bulletproof Tech Vests
Lawsuits:
Already a family, who lost a child in the Columbine shooting, has filed suit against the entertainment industry. In particular, they sued Zenex, a gaming company that produces various violent entertainment games for teenagers. Already Hollywood insiders like Warren Beatty and Jack Valance have attacked this scapegoating of Hollywood and assert that the real problem is with the availability of guns in America. A spokesman for the Zenex, Inc., incorporated in Ulan Bator, Mongolia - defended the game 'Body Count: a school-shooting tutorial guide 2.0' as just an imaginary game where you get 10 points for killing a jock, 20 points for killing a cheerleader, 50 points for killing a starting, offense skilled-position football player, and 100 points for killing the principal or any high school algebra professor.
History of school shootings:
In Salem, Mass., 1671, November 7, Nathaniel Bentham was told by his girlfriend, Lillith Parker that she no longer intended to see him anymore, and was interested in someone else. Enraged, Nathaniel stole his father's musket and headed to his one-room schoolhouse. While class was in session, he threw open the door and fired an errant shot. He then proceeded to reload. He carefully sprinkled gun powder into the proper hole, then with an instrument on the musket, he stuffed down the gun powder. Positioning the metal slug, he proceeded to light the flint cap. Tiring a bit, he sat down, and attempted to unjam the percussion cap. Twenty-minutes later, he finally got off his second shot, but everyone was already outside for recess.
A month later, Nathaniel Bentham was duly found guilty and exiled to Indian country. Lillith Parker was burned as a witch.
International school-shootings:
In 1998, a Palestinian student went into his high school and unloaded four rocks on unsuspecting Jewish settlers. Though at first they didn't capture him, they seized his car, and in the back trunk, they found four sedimentary rocks, a geology textbook, a pet rock, a Marilyn Manson album, the 'Best of Yousef Islam' (Cat Stevens), Hillary Clinton's grammy award-winning book, 'It Takes a Village', and 'Body Count: a rock-throwing tutorial guide 3.0.'
The Israeli security force went to his house, and in the basement, they found that he had been digging a quarry. An hour later, the Israeli Foreign Minister went on Nightline, referenced this rock-throwing incident, and concluded that it is apparent that the Palestinians do not want peace.
Two hours later, helicopters from the Israeli army passed over the street and dropped cluster bombs.
Fox News will provide the best psychiatric advice for school shootings:
You may think that you're just one in 8 billion, but if you take an AK-47 to your high school and unload it on the prom-planning committee, some of the nation's best psychiatrist will consider in depth your problems, were you held enough as a child, were you misunderstood as a teenager, what were the real reasons your girlfriend broke up with you, did she really cheat on you with her best friend, DNA-tests to verify whether the two had been together . . .
