1. Anniversaries: the mistake that most men make is that they don't plan ahead. Ideally, a man wants to meet his future wife, propose marriage, get married on the same day of the year, preferably her birthday - especially if she was born around Christmas.
2. Marriage: a woman is looking for a good father for her children, and a man is looking for someone who can produce a male heir for him.
3. She wanted absolutely nothing to do with you, and then you were promoted to head cashier at the Wal-Mart Superstore, now you're engage to be married, def. for:
trailer park trophy wife.
4. A woman's idea of romance: lights slightly turned down, soft music on - Billie Holiday jazz, Chinese delivery with bubbling champagne, slip into something sexy and curl up to the silky sheets and the warmth of your man.
A man's idea of romance: all lights in the house are extinguished; the electronic equipment is turned off; it's just rice - a buck a box, give it a touch of soy, and wash it down with some Pabst Blue Ribbon; "Here put this heavy coat on over your nightie, I turned the thermostat down to 62 - the electrical bill is getting out of hand." Kissing her softly on the lips, you huddle close - clinging to the warmth of the other.
5. How men listen: fix a spot on her forehead; maintain eye contact there; space the 'uh-huhs' in 15 second intervals.
How women listen: eyes - slightly glared - as she wonders: 'How do we get off the subject of me.'
6. A man's first reaction upon reading the book: 'Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus': 'In fact, that's not correct, we're both from Earth.'
7. Marriage counseling def.: arguing in front of a third person.
8. In marriage counseling, it's common for woman to be hopeful because she thinks this process will allow them to objectively resolve disputes and then perhaps achieve a greater degree of intimacy in their marriage.
A man thinks: either this guy is a flaming homosexual or he wants to have rough sex with my life, either way I'm missing one of the newly discovered 'lost' episodes of the A-team on TVLand for this f-ing nonsense. They better validate my parking.
9. When a woman says, 'Oh you got laid off from the Post Office again,' a man hears, 'You better get a job soon, or I'm going to have rough sex with our marriage counselor.'
When a man says, 'I was just watching the weather, and they say there might be an ice storm tonight, so the roads might be pretty slippery,' a woman hears, 'Oh so you're calling me fat.'
10. The typical problems that are tackled in marriage counseling.
- control issues
- not freeing up enough quality time to spend with the other.
- remote control issues
- 'He spending too much time on Internet porn site.' 'It was an accident, I happened upon them. It's the Internet, all roads lead to porn.'
- And of course, probably the oldest argument of all, who gets first billing on the checks.
