scene has its own file –
Rog
(urgent)
George, you better get over here.
I've gotta show you something.
George comes over to look at the screen.
George
What?
Rog
Look, there he is again, that guy,
probably some tourist, wanting to
check out how we make our film.
George
Where?
Rog
There.
He expands out the image to show a well-built man, with mirrored sunglasses, blonde hair, and a tanned complexion.
George
This is like the fourth time he's
shown up. Can we edit him out without
losing the scene?
George regards the MAN-IN-SHADES with a growing degree of concern.
Rog
I'll try.
George
Fred - get over here.
Kim
(to Fred)
Are you going to pay for the food?
Fred - very secretly - is opening up the briefcase.
George
Fred - get over here!
Fred stands up, tightly holding the briefcase. He looks at the television screen, immediately realizing the problem.
George
He's back.
Rog
Just a minor complication, I can cut
him out.
Fred
(half-jokingly whispers to George)
Do you have our application in for
some film festival in a country that
doesn't have an extradition treaty
with the United States?
George
Not funny.
George appears very serious, glancing at length at the briefcase in Fred's hand.
Fred
(whispering)
I found some residue of that stuff
you smoke in your hash pipe on the
counter.
A forceful knock hammers on the door; George and Fred jump. Silence reigns as Kim goes to the door and opens it.
Kim
Chinese delivery's here
While Fred hurries over to pay for the food, George gets Kim's attention.
George
Kim, after we eat, could you drop off
some film at the processor for us.
Fred, will give you the money.
Kim
(suspicious)
Sure I can do it, but why can't
you guys do it anymore?
George forces several canisters of film into her arms.
George
Thanks, you're the best.
INT. - COUNTER OF A STORE - DAY
Kim is dropping off film at the processor. She hands him the money as he rings up the bill.
Clerk
You know, I got a call the other day
from the FBI because someone passed
bad money in this store sometime in the
last month.
He holds up a '20 bill to the light. Kim appears greatly concerned.
Kim
Well that's horrible.
Suddenly, he grabs the phone; Kim panics, and with a smashed of the fist; a door flies open.
PULL BACK TO REVEAL
They are filming a scene in their movie.
When the door is fully opened, three men of Mexican heritage, emerge through the door. The lead Mexican, PEPE SANCHEZ, who has a goatee, and a scar on his right cheek, looks around for Jorge (George), the two others, one very overweight - the other, tall, thin angular, holding a guitar. Finding Jorge behind the camera, Pepe knocks him over and produces a gun.
Pepe
Where's my money Jorge?
Nathan
(to Rog)
Jorge?
Rog
Did you take Spanish in high school?
Nathan
Yeah. Straight A's in it.
Rog
Jorge is George you know …
(shaking his head grimly)
… public schools.
George
What about our installment plan?
Pepe
There's no fucken installment plan.
(Pepe whacks him with a gun)
You have two weeks to get me that
money –
George leaps up and pulls out his prop gun. The thin Mexican plays a few cords of his guitar that render a dramatic effect. Nathan - who has been working the main camera - asks this question.
Nathan
Where are we in the script?
A frightened expression crosses Fred's face. Outside the window in the parking lot, he notices the MAN-IN-SHADES. He looks nervously down at his laptop, which is on his brown briefcase, containing the prop money.
Nathan
Is this in the inner film?
Pepe and George are still facing off with their guns. George has been talking fast and furious.
George
Be reasonable, Pepe, you can't have
the money until I move the stuff …
Nathan
(paging through the script)
No, it's not in the inner film?
Pepe very violently knocks the prop gun out of Jorge's hand, as they both tumble to the ground. As they struggle to exchange blows, the two guns, looking exactly alike, are shown right next to each other.
Deepak
This is not in the script, Fred?
Fred
(paging through the script)
I'm not sure.
Nathan
You're not sure, you're the writer?
Fred
This thing has taken on a life all
its own.
Rog
Deepak, just keep the cameras going,
just in case.
As the struggle continues, Rog notices something on the ground. He picks it up and realizes that it is a patch from a FBI uniform. Not thinking anything of it, he hands it to Fred. Fred's eyes - noticing the yellow-stitched emblem - bulge out in amazement. He darts a glance out the window, but the MAN-IN-SHADES is no longer visible.
A meaningful expression passes between Deepak and Nathan as they regard Fred's great discomfort upon handling the FBI patch.
With a break in the struggle, they both grab what they think are their respective guns, but they end up picking up the wrong one.
Nathan
(still looking at the script)
I think that we're in the inner film?
Deepak
No, this isn't in the script.
Rog
Fred, where are we?
Police car sirens sound off outside a window - the repeating buzz nears; everyone freezes.
Fred
Los Angeles - let's get the hell
out of here, I think that security
has just figured out that we're not
in here to paint this office.
Nathan
Though the fact we didn't have
paint or paintbrush should have been a clue.
Luke
Dude, what's with the negativity.
Everyone in the cast and crew grabs something and takes off into different directions. Luke is the last one to leave because he stretches and puts on his track shoes; he runs away while checking his pulse.
INT. - GEORGE'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
George is in a dimly-lit room; a brown granular substance is discretely laid out on a poster of Stanley Kubrick's Clockwork Orange. He takes a drag on his hash pipe; Strauss' 'Blue Danube' waltz is playing on the CD as he meticulously edits the memos he got back from Noel.
After knocking, Noel walks in.
George
Make two copies of this and put it
in everyone's box.
Noel reaches down to grab the copies and is startled to find the gun on the table. George is speaking into a dictaphone.
George
Memo to Fred; regarding script; which
draft are we using --
Noel
-- Rog is out there with Fred –
they want to talk.
George
(hands her a tape)
Transcribed these tapes but the memos
in the people's boxes.
George enters the room and sits down on the sofa. Rog, who had been by the monitor editing, comes over. Rog gestures to the monitor, showing the MAN-IN-SHADES.
Rog
Do you know what happened today George?
Fred.
Fred hands him the FBI patch.
Rog
And guess who is back.
(he gestures to the monitor)
Perhaps I'm being paranoid, but I'm
starting to think that just maybe
someone in the law enforcement
community is following us around.
And why is this? Maybe because
half of the equipment we use is
stolen from the studio that I used
to work at?
George
Borrowed.
Fred
We're going to return every bit of it.
Rog
Or is it because we have to break
into every location that we shoot at,
even though I think we've got the
money to get some permits!
Fred
Noel is working on it.
Rog
Or maybe, we're being watched
because our auteur director of this
film,Senor Jorge is dealing drugs
with our friends that visited the
set today. George - you promised us,
that you were going to stop all
that - you promised us!
George
I'm an addict, you can't believe
what I say –
Fred
It's an addiction, Rog.
Rog
Perhaps I'm being paranoid, but we
finally got that funding from Mr. Devane,
and I don't one to blow it all by
having a drug bust on the set …
(Rog checks his pager)
Okay, that's my wife, don't interrupt.
Listen, I've got a job interview for
a job up in Vancouver. And if I get it,
I'm out of here, and you'll have to
find a new cinematographer.
So let's try to finish, okay?
Fred
Sure, Rog.
Rog
I've got to get home, but decide what
you guys want to do with this Pepe
character …
(with the remote, he fast-forwards
the scene to where Pepe bursts
through the door)
He's ruined today's shot, and God only
knows what he'll do next. Good night.
Rog leaves the room. Fred and George are sitting silently on the couch.
Fred
(gesturing to the patch)
Are you shocked?
George
Why?
Fred
The patch, the FBI, the MAN-IN-SHADES,
I think that we're being watched.
George
About the –
Fred
Quiet, here on out assume
that someone is listening.
Fred goes over to George's file cabinet and pulls out a file.
Fred
I'm starting to suspect that someone
in our cast might be some type of
undercover, I dunno. I've got
their applications right here, and
I want to do a few background checks on our friends.
George
That Wesley guy, have you notice that
his English accent sounds a little bit
more fake that your typical English
Guy? I can't believe that Kim is
so taken by it. Have you noticed
that she doesn't hang around here
much anymore but is allegedly back
at her own apartment?
Fred
This isn't time for your jealousy,
now we've got to think clearly.
What about this Luke guy? He looks like
the FBI-type in good shape,
clean cut, and for that matter,
what do we know about Deepak or Nathan?
The phone rings, and they both instinctively grab for their guns. George picks up the phone.
George
(to phone)
Sure okay, no, I don't mind. Okay.
George hangs up the phone. He pauses with a concerned expression.
Fred
What's wrong?
George
It's Kim, she can't come over again
tonight she has to go back to her
apartment!
Fred
Don't even go there, could we try
to fix today's footage?
George hits play, and the action with Pepe unfolds.
George
Wow, that looks real.
Fred
Because it is.
George
We've got to keep that.
Fred
How?
George
Listen, what did Dennis Hopper do
when they shot Easy Rider? He went
to those small towns in the South,
and when he was looking to cast
people in the movie, and all those
guys in the community theater came
out, and he goes, I don't want
these guys. Instead, he wanted
the racist redneck riff raff that
were hanging around the gas station
because they looked authentic.
Pepe and his friends are the real deal!
Fred
What are you saying?
George
I could repay them by letting them
be in the film.
Fred opens up his laptop.
Fred
This could be brilliant! Hear me out,
are the FBI after them because
they're confusing prop money with
real money, thereby passing bad money
to pay for their film, or is the
FBI moving in because –
George
They sold drugs, stole the money
from the drug dealers, and then
bought the drug dealers off by
putting them in the movie –
Fred
Or a combination of the two.
George
I think that might be too much of a
stretch, who would believe it?
Fred
Hopefully not a jury of our peers.
What if Luke or Wesley or Nathan
turn out to be FBI, DEA - I dunno –
from the local police? What's are
exit strategy?
George
I found two film festivals in countries
that for all practical purposes don't
have extradition treaties with the
United States.
Fred
How did you find that out?
George
The Internet.
Fred
What two countries?
George
Albania and Paraguay.
Fred
(gulps hard)
I'm not going to prison, this is
no fucken joke.
George appears equally frightened.
George
Fuck, we've got to get up in three
hours.
INT GEORGE'S BEDROOM – MORNING
The alarm is blaring. As the noise of the alarm seemingly increases, George sleepily reaches over so as to hug Kim.
George
Kim, I love you.
As he awakens, he realizes that she is not there. He lays back in bed, clearly upset.
INT. FRED'S APARTMENT – DAY
Fred is on the phone, checking the referrals in the various applications.
EXT. OUTDOOR PARK IN LOS ANGELES – DAY
In this scene, only his Fred' voice will be heard, while George and Rog are shooting the film.
Fred (v.o.)
Yes, his name is Nathan Shaw, sure
was he in a production of the
Importance of Being
(pauses)
Ernie at the Orange County roller
derby last spring?
Nathan - under Rog's direction - sets the camera for the next scene.
Fred(v.o.)
Really?
Kim and Wesley are visibly flirting under the shadow of some wall. Unbeknownst to them, George - followed closely by Luke -are walking towards them.
Fred(v.o.)
His name is Luke Boswell, apparently
he worked for summer at this
particular Blockbuster. Do you have
that name on file?
Wesley is speaking inaudibly in his English accent, while Kim is laughing receptively.
Kim
Wow your family really has a place
in the south of France, I would love
to go there.
Both George and Luke appear exceedingly jealous.
Fred
No, his name is Wesley Thorton …
yes, he claims in that year that
he went to this college at Oxford …
As Wesley's head slowly moves towards Kim's face, George's gun - which he reasonably believes is the prop gun - likewise rises to a level plane with Wesley's head; Wesley's lips purse . . .
Fred (v.o.)
Really? How interesting?
George
(pointing the gun)
It's time to shoot you too…
Wesley and Kim are surprised to see George there; they
have guilty expressions as they go back to the set.
Luke
So like dude shouldn't you allow the
actor a pause between 'shoot' and
'you' like you know, 'it's time to
shoot' pause 'you to'?
George
Get away from me.
INT. - GEORGE APARTMENT - DAY
Fred is coming through the door of George's apartment; he appears agitated.
Fred
I'm being followed.
George is smoking his hash pipe, reading from a book that's near several other library books.
Fred
What are you doing?
George
It's called 'reading'. These kids
today with their MTV and their video
games and all that cable crap, don't
know the simple joy that this little
library card can provide.
He puts the library card down by neatly cut piles of a brown granular substance.
George (con't)
I checked some books out on the
English and how they treated us
during the American Revolution.
Fred
Why?
George
Wesley's English, and I want Kim to
know what horrid things those people
are capable of.
Fred
George, I'm being followed.
George
The Mexicans?
Fred
No.
George
The Federalias?
Fred
Huh?
George
We need those rewrites. I've sold
Rog on using the Mexicans in the
film. Here's your copy of the new
shooting script, but we need you
to do the rewrites …
Fred dramatically rips out the FBI patch.
Fred
Mr. Wesley Thorton's referrals on
his application don't check out. He
lied about going to Oxford.
George
Who doesn't lie when they apply for
some job in this town. Am I going to
write Southeast Missouri State at
Cape Girardeau on my application or
Harvard?
Fred
Do you write Harvard?
George
Or Yale. Oh don't give me that look,
you always write the Sorbonne on your applications.
Fred
Because I went there.
George
For a two week intro to French
course in high school.
Fred
Nevertheless, I went there, and
I don't think that Wesley's working
alone, that Luke Boswell's application
didn't check out either - the part of
it that was in English. The rest of
it, according to Rog, was written
in broken Sanskrit.
George
That guy sort of weirds me out.
George takes a hit of his joint.
George
I could follow Wesley you know after
the shoot and check him out.
Fred
Good, because if they're onto us,
we've got to take off to …
what is it – Paraguay?
George
Albania - the Paraguay film Festival is only accepting Spanish and German language films.
George breaks out into hysterical tears.
Fred
What's wrong?
George
Pepe - the Mexicans, I tried to
get them to be in the film,
they made these outrageous demands,
I think that they just want their
money - they're heading over here
right now and again their English
is not so good, but they said that
they're going to drag me down to
Mexico and then uhm
(pulls out a Spanish-to-English
dictionary)
what's the Spanish word for 'kill'?
Fred
… fucken public schools --
The phone rings - causing them to jump.
George
Don't answer that.
Fred
The Mexicans?
George
No, solicitations, fucken bothering
me all day.
Fred
Do they want to kill me?
George
The solicitors?
Fred
No, the Mexicans.
George
No.
Fred
That's good.
George
But the Mexicans do want to kill you?
Fred
What! But you said they didn't want
to kill me?
George
'They' I think we're having an
antecedent problem, right?
Fred
Why do the Mexicans want to kill
Me?
George
I said that you were my writing
partner.
Fred
So?
George
Apparently they heard 'riding partner,'
so they think that we were working
together to defraud them.
Fred
Riding. R-I-D-I-N-G?
George
Yep. You're my Pancho Villa.
A thudding-knocking sound comes to the front door; the phone is still ringing. George takes the phone off the hook.
Voice on phone
New low rates …
George
It's them!
Fred is about to hyperventilate.
Rog and some of his family force the door open.
Rog
You're not going to believe this,
I've gotten the job in Vancouver.
It doesn't start for a month,
so that's all the time we have.
So Fred do you have those rewrites
that incorporate the Mexicans?
Fred
(dazed)
Uhm … I could get started …
Rog
And George, let's take another look
at that director's script?
George puts down his prop gun and picks up the said script. Noel hands a series of forms to Fred and George.
Noel
We've got to fill these forms to get the
permits for the location shots.
Rog's mother and grandmother - speaking in Hindi - begin taking off the shirts of George and Fred and hand them their newly-knitted Nehru shirts. Luke appears in a Nehru shirt, though with a bright blue backdrop, splashed with the Hawaiian colors of red, white, and a darker blue.
Luke
Dude, love the threads.
Suddenly, a beeper sounds off, and Rog's mother appears concerned. She checks the beeper and says something to Rog in Hindi. She then drops everything and rushes out.
Fred
What's wrong?
Rog
She had to rush to the hospital.
Fred
Is something wrong?
Rog
She's on call; she's a cardiologist.
It's no big deal, but do you like
the clothing?
Luke
Love the clothing!
George
Let's finish this thing.
Fred
(quietly)
What about Pepe?
A sharp knocking comes to the door; George instinctively reaches for his prop gun . . .
INT GEORGE APARTMENT – DAY
Still in his apartment, George is franticly making his case to Pepe and his two compadres; Pepe – unpersuaded - is pointing his gun at him; and his tall lanky friend is holding a mariachi guitar.
George
Listen, I don't have the money, and
I've already consumed or lost most of
the drugs , look my place is a mess,
but I can make you movie stars,
the envy of all your amigos in your
home state of Chihuahua! So if I
let you guys play the Mexicans, the
illegal immigrant drug dealers in
the film – we're even –
Pepe
Illegal immigrants! You're the
illegal immigrants! California is
occupied Mexican territory!
Pepe digresses into a Spanish tirade, while his tall lanky friend holds up the guitar as if he's about to hit George. George appears horrified, as Pepe is about to pull the trigger. Suddenly the trio breaks out into a catchy mariachi tune.
Trio
California is occupied Mexican
territory, you're the illegal
immigrants, muchachos …
A surprised expression crosses Rog's face, positioned behind the camera. He regards Fred with an inquiring glance. Fred explains quietly under the sound of the refrain from the mariachi song.
Rog
I thought we were not going to use
the mariachi song?
Fred
We give more deference to the
creative input of actors who are
armed and dangerous.
Behind the various doors and kitchen counters of the apartment - one by one, members of Pepe's extended family walk out and stand behind the couch and join in on the mariachi song.
Fred
He comes from a large, Catholic family…
George
Cut – that's a rap. Rog?
Rog
It looks good.
George
All right everyone, we've got our focus
back!
Cast and crew let out congratulatory noises and exchange hi-fives.
The montage sequence to follow should be set to a piece of classical music - preferably an Austrian waltz interwoven with some techno.
INT DINER – DAY
Fred is at a diner - his fingers poised over his laptop. The waitress comes by with four entrees.
EXT GROCERY STORE PARKING LOT – DAY
Wesley and Kim are flirting, pushing their grocery cart across a parking lot of a grocery store.
INT DINER – DAY
Three plates are empty; Fred is typing, somewhat sluggishly. He pulls out a picture of Kim from his duffel bag.
EXT GROCERY STORE PARKING LOT – DAY
The crew is shooting a scene in the movie. The scene is shown as follows: Wesley kisses Kim on the cheek and then pulls away; they both proceed towards their car. George is sitting in a shopping cart, holding the camera; Nathan and Deepak slowly push for this traction shot.
INT. DINER – DAY
After finally taking his eyes off her picture, Fred begins typing with renewed vigor.
EXT GROCERY STORE PARKING LOT – NIGHT
Some teenage employees of the grocery store are shown shouting towards George's film crew. They jump into various shopping carts and begin coasting away.
INT DINER – DAY
Fred gets kicked out of the diner.
EXT SOME DEAD END STREET - DAY
Wesley (playing Fred) and Luke (playing George)are shooting the scene where they find the FBI badge.
INT BUS – DAY
Fred is on a public bus, typing rhythmically away.
EXT ALBANIAN CONSULATE – DAY
They're filming in front of the Albanian consulate in Los Angeles. George is shown paying off one of the consulate officials.
INT BUS – NIGHT
Fred still in the bus, which now resides in the terminal, types with the aid of a flashlight.
EXT SPANISH-SPEAKING NEIGHBORHOOD - DAY
While Rog is behind the camera, they're shooting the following scene: George walks with Kim up to Pepe and his two friends; they hand them two duffel bags.
INT BUS - DAY
The bus is back on the street. Fred had been sleeping; presently he wakes up and exits at the UCLA campus.
INT PEPE'S PARENT'S HOUSE - DAY
The entire crew - around 20 people - are passed out in the living room of Pepe's parent's house. The parents are cutting across their living room on their proverbial tippy-toes, so as not to wake or step on their guests.
INT U.C.L.A. STUDENT LOUNGE – DAY
Fred is making revisions on one of the scripts. It is late, and the security guard is ordering everyone out of the student lounge.
EXT DEAD END STREET - NIGHT
George and crew are setting up for a shot.
EXT SIDEWALK - NIGHT
Fred is walking along a suburban strip mall.
EXT DRIVE-THRU - NIGHT
George and the entire crew are walking through the drive-thru of a Mexican fast food restaurant.
EXT KINKO'S – NIGHT
Fred stops in front of a Kinko's.
EXT DRIVE-THRU – NIGHT
After they all get their food from the Mexican fast food restaurant, a group of them stick their hands into the drive-thru window and pull out the pretty Mexican young lady and place her in the back seat of George's El Camino.
INT KINKO'S – NIGHT
Fred is typing on his laptop in the very bright fluorescent light of a 24-hours Kinko's. A homeless guy is passed out on one of their courtesy couches; three high school-aged females, wearing all black to effect the Goth look, have books open around them as if their writing a paper. The clerk is fast asleep on the counter.
EXT BENEATH AN OVERPASS – NIGHT
Beneath an overpass, George and crew shoot a scene with Pepe dealing drugs, and the young lady from the fast food restaurant playing his girlfriend.
INT KINKO'S – NIGHT
Fred, the homeless guy, and the Goth girls are paying a delivery person for a pizza.
EXT DRIVE-THRU – NIGHT
The cast and crew are walking through a drive-thru liquor place. After getting their alcohol, they place the young lady from the fast food restaurant through the drive-thru window of the establishment.
INT KINKO'S – NIGHT
The various people, including the now awake clerk, at Kinko's are all eating their pizza.
INT GEORGE'S HOUSE - NIGHT
With beers in hand, the crew is shooting the following scene: Kim and Wesley (playing Fred) about to kiss.
INT KINKO'S – NIGHT
Fred opens up a soda and sits back down at his workstation.
INT GEORGE'S HOUSE – NIGHT
After Rog sets the camera and lighting, and the boom mic. is raised out of the frame, George cues the scene, and Wesley (playing Fred) and Kim begin to kiss intensely.
INT KINKO'S – NIGHT
With mouth slightly agape with anticipation, Fred breaks into a staccato-paced typing, while glancing over at her picture.
INT GEORGE'S HOUSE – NIGHT
Wesley pulls away from Kim; Rog repositions the camera; George gestures a direction with his hand; Kim takes off her top and slides off her bottom; Wesley moves closer …
INT KINKO'S - DAYBREAK
Fred's mouth drops; he's typing at a maddening pace; a splash of bright dawn sunlight breaks over the horizon, revealing this modern art sculpture of twisted concrete where two highways intersect.
INT GEORGE'S HOUSE – DAYBREAK
The movement between Wesley and Kim breathlessly intensifies…
INT KINKO'S – DAY
Suppressing another yawn, he looks at the picture again, kisses her on the forehead.
INT GEORGE'S HOUSE – DAY
Back at the apartment, everyone is passed out.
INT KINKO'S - DAY
Fred pushes the homeless guy over, so he can get part of the couch.
INT GEORGE'S HOUSE – DAY
Amidst the passed out crew members, Wesley and Kim wake each other up and slip out the apartment door. George notices, reaching for his prop gun.
INT KINKO'S - DAY
The manager of Kinko's wakes up with great difficulty the homeless guy and Fred.
EXT OUTSIDE APARTMENT BUILDING - DAY
Kim and Wesley are walking into an apartment; they hugged with deep affection. George - watching from his car - grabs the gun which he still believes is a prop gun. He lights his hash pipe, while seething with anger.
George
It's all fucken over, damm
English. They are so dead,
that's it.
INT LOCKER ROOM – DAY
Deepak and Nathan put on their FBI uniforms.
INT THE BEDROOM OF GEORGE'S HOUSE - DAY
George busts through the bedroom door to find Kim in the intimate embrace of Wesley. He points the gun at Wesley, yelling expletives. Wesley protests in a fairly thick English accent.
Wesley
Listen mate, we were just rehearsing
and practicing our technique –
George
You limey, I don't understand a fucken
word that you're saying!
Kim
Oh don't be afraid Wesley, he's
harmless …
George
Oh yeah.
He is about to fire in the direction of Wesley.
Rog
(interrupting)
The gun is out of the frame George.
George
Fuck.
Wesley
(to George)
If you don't mind, I've got a better
idea of how to block the scene,
so that you'll stay in frame…
George appears receptive.
Nathan and Deepak are behind a wall of the set.
Nathan
You know I was talking to Rog, and it
looks like they may wrap up this shoot
pretty soon …
Deepak
Are we ready?
Nathan
I think that it's time that we move
in.
He pulls out a cellular phone and makes a call.
EXT SIDE STREET – DAY
The crew is set up on a side street. The fake cameras are positioned on Luke, Wesley, and Kim, practicing their lines. Fred and George sit in their chairs, behind the fake cameras. George stands up to discuss with Rog the position of the real camera, focused on Fred and George.
George
Just get the widest scope shot that
you can keep in focus, and that will
show us making the film.
Rog
I can do that.
George
And then we can edit in the
GUY-WITH-SHADES, you know to bring
about the effect that we're being
watched.
Rog
I think that could work.
A ringing comes to George's cellular phone. He picks it up and listens. A hushed voice conveys this message:
voice in the phone
There are two blue vans on the next
Block; the feds are about to close
down your operation. Get out of there.
George
Who is this?
He hands the phone to Fred who listens.
Fred
Is this some kind of a joke?
George
What the hell is that all about?
Fred
They hung up.
Rog
(to everyone)
Let's get into positions.
George and Fred slowly walk to the corner, take a look around the next corner, and notice two blue vans some ways down the block. Quietly they exchange frightened glances; they rush back to their respective chairs. Fred leans over and picks up the briefcase. They are both ready to bolt, when Rog prods them to sit down.
With Rog's cue, Wesley, Luke, and Kim begin performing their scene, while a clearly stunned Fred and George look around them to see if anyone is coming.
Some tourists are in the vicinity, snapping pictures of relatives surrounding some Hollywood star memorial. The snapping or clicking of cameras becomes amplified, shutters noisily opening, now seemingly from all directions. Fred's fist tightens on the handle of the briefcase; George is looking for a safe side street to escape through. The clicking of the cameras ratchets towards a crescendo, while suddenly the sound of sirens pierce through the set. The brakes of cop cars screech; doors fly open; a multitude of leather soles loudly clip-clop on the pavement, stopping before Fred and George.
Police officer
Do you have a permit to shoot here?
A relieved smile crosses the faces of George and Fred.
George
(looking towards Fred)
Uhm.
Fred
Actually we do. Noel.
Noel
Remember, last week I gave you the
forms to fill out?
Fred
Oh that's right, I have them right
over here.
Fred and George stand up and begin walking away. Taking their cue, everyone gravitates to a prop or piece of equipment.
George
You filled out those forms, right?
Fred
I'm an artist, I don't fill out forms.
And like that, everyone in the crew grabs a piece of property and the mad dash ensues. The police – either in cars or on feet - chase the various crew and cast members up and down the various side streets of the neighborhood. Some street musicians in front of an outdoor cafe provide some appropriate chase music.
Eventually the entire crew coalesces and is heading down the street with the police nearing when they run directly into the cast and crew of Kitchener's film. Kitchener is the Australian midget director who wears a monocle, and he is running right next to the star of the film – a kangaroo (either a real kangaroo or someone in a realistic kangaroo outfit), and his girlfriend - Lady Mounthausen. Kitchener is being chased by the L.A.P.D. as well as officials from the Los Angeles zoo.
Suddenly, the kangaroo punches George in the face, causing the respective cast and crews to pause.
George
What was that for!
East German Trainer
(thick accent)
He heard your crack about the
Kangaroos, you insensitive bastard!
Luke
Dude, the cops! Let's
ride a wave out of this place!
The chase takes on various permutations until the groups from both film shoots are cornered. The various police approach, as the officials from the Los Angeles zoo set their eyes on the kangaroo.
Zoo official
Hold it right there! That kangaroo
is the property of the Los Angeles zoo!
Right as the zoo officials are about to put handcuffs on the kangaroo, as well as the police are about to cuff George and the others, a low-level earthquake rocks this particular neighborhood, causing everyone to lose their balance. When the kangaroo punches the zoo official, and the music starts back up again, everyone breaks off into different directions.
As the chase disburses in different directions, George tries to get Kim to run his way, but she takes off down the alley with Wesley.
INT GEORGE'S HOUSE – NIGHT
George is sitting in his room, smoking his hash pipe.
Kim can be heard coming into the house.
Kim
George, George, where are you?
The telephone rings. Kim answers it.
Kim
Good, so everyone got away … uh-huh
… at least everyone with speaking
Parts.
George steps out of his room, evincing an unblinking expression. Kim notices this strange expression and attempts to lighten the mood.
Kim
It's Fred, he said everyone with
speaking parts got away that's
pretty funny.
(to the phone)
Okay, maybe we'll stop by later.
Kim approaches George and attempts to disarmingly hug him.
Kim
Did Rog get any of it? I'd love to
get everyone over here, you know
with a few beers, it would be just
a riot to watch it –
George
What were you doing at Wesley's
apartment the other day?
Kim
(remembering)
Oh, that … silly ohhh yeah, to show
me some pictures from his vacation
in the Swiss Alps.
George
To show you some pictures! What's
that some deviant British slang for
you know what!
He violently throws her to the ground.
George
(screaming)
Listen you whore, who would do
anyone to get your hot little body
immortalized in celluloid, you know
what we did the last time those
English fucken twits came over here
and fucked with our women, what do
you think that the American Revolution
was really all about? Taxes?
FUCK YOU, YOU WHORE! It was about
them messing with our women and taxes!
(he whacks her forcibly with his gun, leaving a slight scar)
I'm going to go over there and
fuckin' kill him!
He rushes out the door. As he heads to his car, Luke sees him, and jumps into his car with him.
Crying hysterically, Kim pulls herself up to the coffee table. After wiping some tears from her eyes, she realizes something; she proceeds into his room. She finds the still smoking hash pipe and some brown granular substance.
INT. FRED'S BASEMENT – NIGHT
While listening to the Beatles' song 'Paperback Writer', Fred is three-hole punching and preparing the final script. He proceeds to take out his picture of Kim, holding it on the edges so not to fingerprint the iconic image, and places it in the bottom drawer with other pictures of her. He hears someone coming down the stairs of his basement apartment. Kim appears inconsolable.
Kim
C'mon - hurry up, we've got to go,
something horrible has happened,
it's George, he's high out of his mind,
and I think he's going to kill Wesley,
I've got my car, I need you to go over
there with me.
Fred
Well, I mean we've already shot I
think all of Wesley's scenes, so?
Kim
Don't be like that, he's out of
his mind, something horrible is going
to happen if we don't hurry.
Fred
I've got some good news. Rog called,
he thinks he can get me a job working
on scripts in Vancouver. It will
be some steady income, while we do
some post production work on the
film up there.
He pauses, appearing to be on the verge of saying something.
Fred
Kim, I've got to tell you something--
Kim
-- Please let's hurry!
Fred
The only person that George's
gonna kill is George, and maybe you
and maybe me as well as a handful
of random bystanders.
(he moves closer)
Kim, I think this is my big break …
Uhm, this is stupid, but I've got to
say it, and if I don't say it, it
will kill me, would you ever
consider me –
She pulls her head back thoughtfully, and at that moment, the light shines on the scar on her cheek.
Fred
Did he hit you!
Kim
He's out of his mind!
Fred
That sonuvabitch! I think I have
something in the bathroom that
might help.
Kim
Do you have some bactine or something?
Fred rushes to the bathroom and returns moments later. He very carefully points the aerosol head at the scar, and sprays it. In his earnestness, he didn't realize that he was spraying it as well in the area of her eyes. Kim lets out a shriek; blindly groping, she moves towards the bathroom. In the bathroom, she washes out her eyes, cursing violently. Kim looks at the label on the bottle.
Kim
Canadian Deep Forest Mosquito Repellent.
Fred
Really, uhm it was dark.
She grabs Fred with this demand.
Kim
Let's go get George before he kills
Wesley.
INT WESLEY'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
George - as Luke studiously watches - is beating up Wesley.
George
What about Valley Forge, the frostbite,
you fucken limey! Taxation without representation, does that ring a bell!
What the hell were you thinking!
Didn't you realize that whatever
money you would've generated from the
Stamp Act would not even have remotely
covered the amount of revenue that
England would've lost because of the
reduction in trade caused by this
Stamp Act!
Wesley
(bloodied and pleading)
You Americans had virtual representation
in the Parliament –
George
--and you virtually fucked my
girlfriend--
Wesley
I didn't lay a finger on her,
Luke - don't just stand there
and observe his character, help me!
George
What about burning down our White
House during the Revolutionary War,
thought we would all forget about that,
not a chance, you pale, sickly,
condescending bastards!
George punches him twice.
Wesley
We burned it down in the War of 1812!
George opens up a thick book and checks that fact. He then proceeds to whack Wesley with the book.
George
The point is that you burned it down!
Kim and Fred rush into the room, and they try to pull George off of Wesley, but to no avail. Fred then has an idea.
Fred
Cut – that's a wrap!
George immediately disengages from Wesley. Everyone in the room shares a sigh of relief.
EXT OUTSIDE THE APARTMENT – NIGHT
It's apparent that one of Kim's eyes is swollen over.
Kim
Take George home. I'm going to go
get this taking care of. Stay with
him and I'll be by tomorrow.
Wesley
Tell George, no hard feelings, I'll
stop by the set tomorrow. Just a
little drunken row, not
a problem – mate.
Kim
(a flash of anger)
Forget the film, Fred stay with
him, and tomorrow we'll drag him to
rehab.
Int. George's El Camino - night
Fred is driving George home in George's car.
George
Did we get those scenes in focus?
Fred
Sure, always in focus.
George looks curiously through the rear view window.
George
I think that someone's following us?
Fred looks up at the mirror. A concerned look crosses his face.
INT. GEORGE'S HOUSE - NIGHT
George is frantically clearing some of the drugs off of the coffee table. Fred is standing by the window.
Fred
I don't think there's anyone out
there.
George
(holding his cellular phone)
Shut off the fucken light. Fuck,
I've got to delete Pepe and friends
phone numbers from this phone's
address book.
Fred turns off the light by the window, and the room goes completely dark and silent. Suddenly a bright fluorescent light streams into the room; in a deafening blow, the door is knocked down, and several FBI agents come rampaging in. As Fred surrenders, George rushes to the bathroom with drugs and the cellular phone in hand. He's about to flush the drugs down the commode. Suddenly the FBI agents grab him and push his face against the vanity.
The cellular phone rings, and everyone pauses quietly, the ringing becomes louder. The FBI agent answers it.
FBI agent
Hello?
Nathan
Who is it?
FBI agent
It's a solicitation.
Nathan
(into phone)
You know, you're not supposed to make solicitations at this hour!
Fred and George are both sitting on the couch. Fred appears genuinely frightened, while George stares ahead in a dazed expression. Nathan and Deepak are positioned on the coffee table, flanked by four friends, facing George and Fred.
Fred
Uhm, during a person's time in prison,
are their student loans deferred?
Nathan
Shut the fuck up! All right, here's
the story, we've been investigating
you these last few weeks. We're close
to nailing you, but I'd like to
propose a deal, you let us in your
film with speaking parts, and at the
end of the shoot, we'll write a report,
that you guys weren't passing bad
money or dealing in drugs to finance
your film. These are four friends
of ours
(he gestures to them)
they don't even need speaking parts,
they just want to be in a few scenes,
but not a cameo, everyone who lives
in this town already has a cameo
or two.
Deepak puts on his reading classes and produces a copy of the script.
Deepak
I know you're worried about how to
work us in the film, without having
to redo the movie or ruin the flow
of the narrative. Picture this,
it's towards the end of the movie,
and you don't know how to end it,
and the feds are moving in.
We break down the doors and arrest
you, and we're about to take you away,
when you bribe us by offering us a part
in your film, and we agree. What do you
think of that for a plot twist?
Fred and George mumble to themselves this suggestion.
Fred then leans forward, refocusing his eyes.
Fred
Is this a joke?
INT. JAIL CELL - NIGHT
Fred and George are straightening their black bow ties in front of their mirror.
George
Are you excited about the big premier?
Fred
Didn't think this day would ever come.
Is the press going to be there?
George
That's what I hear. They're gonna roll
the red carpet out for us, lights
cameras, the whole trappings - this is
the big time.
Fred
Let's enjoy it.
PULL BACK TO REVEAL
They zip up their orange jump suits; they are shown in a jail cell.
George
Let's go get uhm . . .
INT. JAIL - NIGHT
Escorted by guards, they shuffle out - the chain's clinging between their arms and on their wrists. They turn the corner, and the red carpet begins, thronged on either side by cheering, and admiring fellow prisoners. Smiling, George and Fred turn graciously to their fans and wave broadly, sounding out 'thank yous' over the din. Various camera light bulbs flash out from the prison newspaper, and the various surveillance cameras are slowly following Fred and George up the red carpet.
Suddenly, a fellow prisoner sneaks past the orange velvet rope, and after pulling out a knife, attempts to stab both Fred and George.
Prisoner
That's for stealing my desert.
After delivering this line, he thrusts his knife towards them. But the prison guards intercede, put him in a chokehold, and bloody his face with their clubs.
George
I didn't steal his dessert.
Fred
It's just jealousy.
INT. THEATER IN JAIL - NIGHT
They sit in the prison-theater. The prison guards are trying to get the projector started.
Prison guard
Okay we got it. Hit the lights.
Fred
Well was it worth it? Seven-to-ten
for this film?
George shrugs.
Prison guard
Lights.
The room goes completely dark before the streaming light of the projector spills out onto the screen.
PULL BACK TO REVEAL
The cast and crew of George and Fred's movie have been watching their film, which ended after the prison guard said, 'Lights'.
INT. HALL - NIGHT
George shuts off the projector. Having seen the film for the first time, the cast and crew let out an applause. Everyone congratulates each other, and the party moves out to the verandah where they've set up a bar with a few kegs and some bottles of hard alcohol; a grip serves as the bartender.
In a quiet corner of the room, Fred is talking to Deepak and Nathan.
Nathan
(barely audible)
We sent the report in, you're all
clear. Never speak of this again.
Fred
(relieved)
Great work on the film! Do you need
your drinks freshened up?
Fred heads over to George and Kim. George glances in the direction of Nathan and Deepak.
George
Okay?
Fred nods. Cellular phone rings.
George
Hey Rog … , calm down, we have the
original, and two copies, and we've
got them in a safe place. Yes,
the meeting with Mr. Devane is
on Thursday, and then we're
gonna hopefully lineup some film
festivals. And after we meet with
Mr. Devane, I will personally
fly up the film reels to you in
Vancouver for some post production.
Okay? Call back then.
George, Kim, and Fred are standing near the banister of the verandah.
George
Did you hear the good news?
Fred
About Devane?
George
No, uhm Kim and well, we're getting
married!
Kim and George hug affectionately, and they both appear genuinely happy. Kim warmly hugs Fred.
Kim
And we want you to be the best man.
George
and, we plan to get married in
Las Vegas in a month, but it's not
going to be one of those shlockie
drive-thru places. I've had a lot
of time to think in these last 26
days of my sobriety about you know
maybe going back to the church.
Fred
Jews for Jesus?
George
No, before that, the Catholic Church,
you know the old Jesuits from back
Home. Me and Kim are going to become
practicing Catholics again. This
Jesuit runs a chapel on the strip,
and you don't just get married,
there's an hour of counseling,
I think a video, then you sit down
with a priest at this like '4.99
buffet –
Fred
Sounds delightful
George smiles adoringly at Kim.
George
(whispering)
Thank you for everything, Kim.
They kiss and hug ardently.
The trio are standing there, looking out at the view. Suddenly, the MAN-IN-SHADES appears behind them.
George
I thought this place is supposed to
have a view of the ocean?
Kim
You did promise me a sunset, darling.
Fred
We can't be more than a few blocks
from the ocean. I think, it's just
behind those signs.
The view in front of them is cluttered with billboards. On one is realistically painted the vista of the California shoreline, with an ad for sun-tanning products with an attractive-looking couple, another attempts to sell acting classes, and a third - liposuction surgery; the techno music drowns out the sound of the tide…
The trio gaze out, slowly sipping their drinks…
INT. CAR – NIGHT
Fred and George are driving home.
Fred
That was a good party.
George
Yeah.
Fred
You know, Wesley didn't show up.
George
Good, I hate that English fuckin' twit.
Fred
I thought in the 12-step program,
you're like supposed to make
amends with people?
George
Uh-huh.
At this moment, George looks up at the rear view mirror and notices the MAN-IN-SHADES. A chase ensues. Eventually the MAN-IN-SHADES forces their El Camino off the road.
EXT. SIDE OF ROAD - NIGHT
George is dragged from his car; and the man-in-shades attacks George.
George
Are you a cop? What is this?
MAN-IN-SHADES
You beat up my boyfriend!
You sonuvabitch!
He bloodies George's nose.
George
Fred, help me!
Fred
Uhm … stop that.
George
I didn't beat up your boyfriend!
MAN-IN-SHADES
Wesley, you beat up my Wesley,
god-damn you! And if you go
near him again, I'll kill you!
After a few final kicks to the stomach, he returns to his car, and in a whirl of dust, he speeds away.
Both George and Fred share a perplexed expression. They get back into the car.
INT. CAR – NIGHT
Fred
So that's the MAN-IN-SHADES.
George
Yep.
Fred
So Wesley's gay.
George
Apparently.
Fred
That means that you committed a
hate crime.
George
I think it's time that I move onto to
the amends part of the rehab program.
I think I know where he lives.
Fred
Actually, he moved, but I think
I have the address.
EXT HOUSE – DAY/ INT HOUSE – DAY
Fred and George walk up onto the porch of a house in Southeast Los Angeles; the door, like the windows, are wide open. They look in, poised to knock. But they pause when they notice Wesley, Luke, Nathan, Deepak, the East German trainer sitting around a television, watching Australian-Rules football. They are all speaking in such heavy Australian-accents that they are very difficult to understand. Not drawing attention to themselves, George and Fred walk in through the front door.
Just then, Kitchener and his girlfriend Lady Mounthausen appear from the kitchen. Kitchener as well speaks in an Australian accent.
Kitchener
Who ate all my god-damn ding dongs!
I bought an entire box the other day
at Sam's!
Nathan
Ahhh Kitch, non of your mates ate
any of your ding dongs, ask that
'roo of yours!
The kangaroo is in the back room, listening intently, chocolate smeared all over the roo's mouth and wrappers all over the floor.
Suddenly, everyone notices that Fred and George – dazed in their own right - are standing there.
George
So you guys are not with the FBI?
Nathan
Naah.
George
I always suspected that maybe
blackmailing filmmakers to get parts
in a movie might not be standard FBI
operating procedures … but then I
was on drugs, so it didn't seem that
far-fetched. Fred, what's your excuse?
Fred
Well … uhm …
Luke
Mate, you believed it because you
suspended disbelief.
Deepak
The ole Hollywood sleight-of-hand trick.
Nathan
We knew that you were paranoid about
something, maybe the police because
of the drugs, maybe that prop money
was a little too authentic, and then
we saw your reaction when you found
the FBI patch --
Deepek
A week later, it was sort of
coinincidence, but we found the
FBI uniforms in the costume area
of the Compton Playhouse, and
the idea was formed.
FLASHBACK
INT. COMPTON PLAYHOUSE – DAY
Deepak and Nathan are putting on uniforms of the FBI with a sign 'Compton Playhouse' in the background.
INT HOUSE – DAY
Deepek (con't)
So we all said, this is interesting,
let's assume the roles of undercover
FBI agents, and just try to develop
those characters.
Nathan
That night, you believed that we were
FBI agents, because in our minds,
we were FBI agents.
Fred
And was everyone, Luke, Kitchener,
Wesley in on it?
Wesley
We all knew about it.
Fred
I don't get it, the fake accents?
Luke
(California voice)
Dude, we're mostly trying to get
American roles, so we don't want to
get typecast as Aussie-and-Kiwi
blokes.
George
All this, just to get into a film?
Nathan
That, and we thought it would be an
interesting improvisation.
At that moment, the kangaroo comes jumping into the living room, with various boxes of snacks sticking out of the pouch. Kitchener tries to jump on top of the kangaroo, and everyone else jumps up and begins to chase the kangaroo around as the kangaroo knocks over a bookshelf, lamps, etc. Four other kangaroos come jumping in. It would be best if there's a combination of real kangaroo and people dressed up like kangaroos.
Kitchener
Who gave you permission to have
your friends over!
George and Fred are staring ahead, still a little in shock.
INT. CAR – DUSK
Fred and George are driving in their car.
Fred
Nice guys.
George
Yeah. Of course it makes you wonder,
if they aren't the FBI agents,
who is.
Fred
You know, I've been thinking about
that. You know that play that
we read in English class in high
school - Samuel Beckett's
'Waiting for Godot.'
George
No.
Fred
Assigned reading, junior year English?
George
Did you read it?
Fred
No, but I do remember the vague concept
of it, you see these guys were all
waiting for Godot – now it turns out
that Godot is not the most punctual
of folks, and even though they wait
for him, he never shows up. George,
we've been waiting for the FBI, the
police, or whoever to show up from
the moment we began filming but
there was no Godot - it was all in
our imaginations.
George
I like that
Fred
Well, George my point is I think that
we're in the clear. There is no FBI;
no one is waiting for us; we've got
the meeting with Devane; you're
cleaning up; we're going to send up
the film reels to Rog in Vancouver
for post production. Well, I think
that we might have finally turned
that corner…
George turns the car around the corner and drops Fred off at his place.
INT. FRED'S BASEMENT - NIGHT
Fred begins - with some hesitation - to chop up the pictures of Kim from his bottom drawer.
EXT. QUICK SHOP – NIGHT
George walks into a 7-11 to get a drink. On the way out, L.A.P.D officers very violently arrest him.
INT. GEORGE'S APARTMENT – DAY
The phone rings.
Fred
How's it going? Is the attorney
working out?
George
Sure… uhm … apparently they're about
to search my apartment - is Kim there?
Fred
Yep.
Kim is shown in the background, frantically cleaning up the drugs and paraphernalia from George's house.
Fred
The phones uhm ...
George
I know, riding partner. You know,
we got something wrong in the
script, there's a twenty year term
for passing bad money - not ten years.
Fred
I can correct that.
George
They arrested Pepe. Pepe told police
that I - the brains of the operation –
was using him - the mule, as a courier,
and that I paid him off by letting
him be in the film. It sounds like
a great script, I said, but this
Pepe guy was never in any film of mine.
You know that bit at the end when our
characters get plane tickets to the
Albanian film Festival, maybe that's
how we should end the movie.
In the distance, the sounds of police sirens are nearing. Fred nervously looks over at Kim.
Fred
We can workshop it out.
George
A few of Pepe's friends also confirm
that the deal involves him getting
a part in our film, what film I said.
We've just been rehearsing. Fred,
listen I've given Kim very specific
instructions … uhm about contacting
relatives back home …
Fred looks over and watches as Kim cleans the apartment. Kim opens a kitchen cabinet, and an avalanche of drug paraphernalia and powdered bags come out, knocking her clear over.
Fred
Uh-huh.
George
Listen Fred that entire movie is an
evidentiary blueprint … of how to
make a really bad independent film.
Can I count on you, riding partner?
Fred helps Kim up, and she resumes washing the stuff down the sink.
Fred
Absolutely.
George can be heard, breaking down into tears.
George
Thanks Fred, that's quite a relief.
Hey, you know why I was sober these last
26 days … she told me that if I didn't
clean up, she was going to stop
loving me, not leave me - stop loving
me, at that moment I was like
fuck the film, fuck all of this,
I wanted it all back to the way it
used to be, the security guard detail,
the catering, the god-damn struggle of
it all, when no one gave a damn about
us, but it really didn't matter,
because you guys, we had an A list life
(laughing now)
and you know the only sonsuvabitches that
ever called us were the solicitors
and the bill collectors …
The police smash down the door; the phone is dangling below the receiver, and Kim's car speeds out of the neighborhood.
EXT. LANDFILL - DAY
Kim and Fred are in a landfill on the outskirts of Los Angeles. Kim is stacking the film reels atop a rusted washing machine.
Fred
What are you doing?
Kim
George said to destroy the film.
There can't be any evidence
linking him to Pepe.
She reaches for the lighter fluid.
Fred
Kim, it took us eleven years to
finally complete an entire!
Kim
It's evidence in a criminal trial,
you don't want to go to jail,
do you Fred? I know 'bout the prop
money.
Fred
Don't listen to him, he's just
raving - that prop money was always
just prop money, no harm to no one.
Fred affectionately touches her hand. He places two plane tickets next to the reels.
Fred
Let's leave the country together, let
this thing blow over, we'll go to
the Albanian Film Festival, it's in
two months, Rog will send us the
finished product, and we'll just
backpack around Europe in the meantime.
There's a hold thriving movie world
outside of the jurisdiction of Hollywood.
In those canisters, in those reels,
okay it's not the best movie, but
it's damn good.
(he gestures to the horizon)
We sell this movie, I promise you,
you'll be sitting on the French Riviera,
cool in the shade of palm trees,
leading the good life.
Kim is staring off into the distance, towards the expanse of the landfill; a smile across her face.
Fred (cont'd)
Remember catering, busing those tables
after those people, it's like they
smeared the leftovers everywhere,
it began to make me physically
ill, I can't go back to that.
Kim
But what about jail?
Long pause; wind kicks up some of the trash in the landfill
Fred
And more importantly … well you know
that …
(pause)
Kim
What?
Fred
… I love you
Kim
(nonchalantly)
Oh and I love you.
Fred
And as comforting as that is,
I just would like to know could
you ever love me in that way. You
know when you think of me, well you
could imagine me as the one that you
grow old with. when you imagine
yourself sitting out on the porch,
holding hands with the man that you
love and growing old gracefully
together, could you look over and
well be happy to see me? I mean,
could you love me in that way?
Kim remains silent.
Fred
If you could that would be everything.
Kim smiles.
Fred
Or do you love George in that way?
The smile leaves Kim's face, and she appears suddenly serious. Her eyes glaze over with tears. With trembling hands, she goes for the canister of gasoline and begins to take off the cap. Before she can pour it on, Fred gestures to the plane tickets and persuades.
Fred
I don't know if you've spent a lot
of time in Albania on the Adriatic
coast, but I hear that view at sunset,
well where do I begin, breathtaking --
EXT. CAFE OVERLOOKING THE OCEAN – DAY
Fred and Kim are sitting at a cafe table on the high bluffs overlooking the ocean in the efflorescence of a sunset. They are sipping martinis. George walks up to their table. George regarded appreciatively the view of the ocean before him.
George
So this is Albania?
Fred
What do you think?
George
I think that you've guys have found
the garden spot for the entire country.
Kim
(a tad nervous)
How was prison?
George
It was a tough year. How'd we
do in the film Festival?
Fred
Well, you know, that we re-shot a good
deal of the film, and instead of
two guys who counterfeit money to pay
for their independent film, we
changed it to two guys who counterfeit
money and place it on a fixed boxing
match to pay for their independent film. Kitchener get over here!
Kitchener, his girlfriend, the kangaroo, the East German trainer, Nathan, Stan, Luke, Wesley all come over, - drinking Foster's beer, and speaking in heavy Australian accents.
A voice
(cries out)
Do you have a permit to shoot here?
Suddenly, the sounds of cop cars screeching can be heard. Officials from the zoo begin screaming for their kangaroo. Everyone on the set quickly grabs something, including the Hindu women who were working the weaving looms, and a chase ensues between the two groups down Highway 1 in California.
The chase proceeds to a zoo or some type of public park overlooking the ocean. As they race into the facility, Fred and George and company park their El Camino, put on their black jackets and bow ties, and race towards the catering tent. The kangaroo is arrested and escorted away. Just before the police are about to arrest George, Fred, Kim, Nathan, etc., their boss for contract security tells the police officers (who had been chasing the group and who work on their off time as security guards) what are they respective positions.
As the limousines begin lining up for the benefit, George, Fred, Nathan, Deepak, Kitchener, Luke, etc. get their table assignments from their boss. As the doors of the limousines open up, the camera lights of the paparazzi begin to flicker. Chester Galbraith and Errol Devane are valet parking the luxury cars that drive up in between the various limousines.
Kim appears, quite radiant in a black dress, and shows the glitterati to their tables, which are decorated with fake dead plants.
A nondescript man takes the podium on the dais. Light applause.
The Man
I would like to thank everyone for
coming tonight on this beautiful
evening, not just to benefit the
restoration of this fine facility,
so ravaged by last year's earthquake,
but to honor, these individuals
whom I believe are the finest artists
working in cinema today…
While a loud applause breaks out, the bare outlines of Fred and George and Kim and Wesley and Luke can be seen refilling water glasses.
The Man (cont'd)
But before I turn the stage over to
them, I would like to thank another
group of people, some of whom are
here today before us. They are
that group of individuals who've
not only helped myself as a director,
but clearly the individuals on
this stage. It's their dedication
to the arts, without reward or
recognition, that makes this day
possible …
As the man gives this speech, Fred and George and Kim dissolve into the larger crowds shown in the waning light of sunset. Soon the event is lost in view of the larger vista of the city of Los Angeles - the silver buildings aglow in the pinkish light reflecting off the underbellies of the clouds over the vast Pacific. Finally, the soothing ebb and flow of the tide washing up on the California Seashore drowns out the speech of the man . . .
FADE OUT
St. Louis, July 2000
Casey Flynn - Copyright, July 2000